


A new feeling

by Donya



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: AU, Angst, Fluff, FrostIron - Freeform, Love, M/M, Mute Loki, Sign Language, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-09
Updated: 2016-07-04
Packaged: 2018-01-04 02:36:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 22,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donya/pseuds/Donya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frostiron AU. Loki is deaf-mute and fears that a playboy like Tony would use him and leave. Tony, though, doesn't give up easily.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Tony couldn't tell what made him think about that guy. He would see him almost every day at the café, tall, pale as if he never saw daylight, dark-haired, lean. It could be his aloofness, he seemed detached, withdrawn. Tony has never heard him say anything, he would only nod when the waiter brought him his coffee. Not a single word. His features sharp, eyes green and on cold days, his cheeks would blush in a way that made Tony feel ridiculously protective. Day after day, Tony would sip his latte, staring at the ice princess, thinking how could melt that ice. It was a challenge and Tony never declined a challenge.

He knew he had only one chance, so he planned it carefully. The guy was probably a shy nerd, one of those that had been pushed around too much and become so awfully sharp-witted that it's almost scary to talk to them. Tony used to know a girl like this, each and every of his innocent jokes earned him a hateful glare and a merciless comeback. Very well, he could be smooth. The guy never had gloves or hats, he loved winter. He read books Tony never heard of, an intellectual. Distrustful, so Tony had to be gentle with him, like with a dog or a cat- reach out and let them come closer. He didn't want to scare the poor creature away. 

Having figured that out, Tony decided to start the talk without rising from his chair, without invading the guy's personal space. Freaks like him go crazy when someone stands one metre away from them, _don't stand so close to me!_ Tony smirked to himself, although shy people were quite a handful, they were also the most loyal. 

It was a dark January day, greyish snow on the sidewalks and harsh wind. Tony waited for "his" guy, paying no attention to his espresso, absent-mindedly munching on a ginger cookie. Right on schedule, at around three the guy walked in, face red from the wind, messy hair, the coat too thin for that weather. He sat down one table away from Tony, he never looked around, too absorbed in his thick books. He never ordered anything, the waiter knew him and would bring him the right coffee. Once the guy got his cappuccino, Tony cleared his throat, leant forward and said, 'It's too cold for January!' 

Tony was mortified. The guy ignored him so utterly, never raising his eyes from the open book. Ok, even if Tony's words were super lame, he deserved at least an eye contact or something, anything. Now what? Try harder? Get pissed off and say something nasty? He felt someone watching him, the fucking waiter barely hid his sneer. He knew something Tony didn't, the reason why Tony wouldn't succeed. That was challenging.

'Hey, you, I'm talking to you.' Tony couldn't decide if that was supposed to sound playful or angry. Not that it mattered- again, no reaction, but the waiter burst out laughing. What the hell, that's not how people treat a playboy like Tony, they are grateful for his attention, no one ignores him so openly. Feeing that his blood was up, Tony stood up and walked over to the guy, sat at his table and asked, 'Do you mind not ignoring me when I'm talking to you?' The waiter turned red, he laughed so hard he couldn't breathe.

The green-eyed winter queen closed the book, the name of the author looked exotic and instead of replying, he started moving his fingers. He looked disappointed when Tony was still expecting a proper answer, what, was that supposed to clarify something? The waiter called another one and now they both were staring at them and giggling. Tony frowned, what the fuck was going on.

The guy rolled his eyes, then touched his right ear and his chin with his middle and index finger. Now it clicked and Tony gasped. Oh. Oooh. Deaf-mute. At least he didn't ask, 'Are you deaf?!' No wonder the waiters were having so much fun. Getting frustrated because a deaf guy didn't hear your clever pick-up line. Tony groaned, awfully ashamed and confused. He should have guessed, oh fuck, now it was just awkward. The guy was still glancing at him expectantly, his fingers drumming on the cover of the book. Did he know that Tony tried to seduce him? He could have other reasons to talk to someone in a café . What was he supposed to do now?

The point was, it was still the same guy, his appearance still alluring, hooking up with a timid, quiet person still tempting but- Tony sighed, deaf and mute? That was too much, too weird. He had no idea how it is to be with someone who is unable to speak nor hear, how difficult it must be. He felt no shame in using _normal_ people, healthy people but someone as defenceless and pitiable as this guy, that'd be too much. Everyone he knew would beg the guy to leave Tony immediately, people don't want the less fortunate, ill, disabled to be taken advantage of, it's unacceptable.

It was better to end it before it began. Tony had no idea if the guy could lip-read but nevertheless, he said very clearly, 'I am sorry.' Feeling like an idiot, he got up, paid for his coffee and left, trying not to see the disappointment on the pale face.

 

  


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony realises how stupidly he reacted and wants to apologise and maybe get into Loki's pants.

Tony felt awful about the way he behaved. After the initial shock and the urge to run away, he realised it couldn't be the first time it happened to that guy. He was good-looking and adorably shy, who would resist that, the temptation to shatter the walls he raised around himself. And then discovering he would never hear them or talk to them. How many times he was rejected like that? Tony imagined him being hopeful as a teenager, hopeful that someone might overlook his disability and with years, that hope vanished. Tony knew people instinctively search for healthy partners to have healthy children but damn, he did feel like a piece of shit. It's like seeing a person that has a huge tumour on their face or something like that, you don't know what to do, look away and seem like you're ostentatiously ignoring them? Or risk looking at them but they must be overly self-conscious and maybe don't want to be looked at, it's hard not to be a jerk in such situations.

Tony kept thinking about it while watching tv and then he muted it. It was damn hard to lip-read and it felt horrible not to understand what people were saying. How does it feel to be trapped in silence like that, separated from the majority of people, unable to communicate as freely as it should be, Tony wondered. Unable to speak and hear, how did that guy cope with his life? Meeting idiots like Tony. That sucked. 

Tony remembered watching a documentary about a deaf couple expecting a child and they hoped it would be deaf as well. At that time, Tony was shocked, what kind of people want their child to be disabled? And how deaf people can take care of a baby, they wouldn't hear it crying. Now, thinking about it, he realised it was actually better for that deaf couple to have a deaf child, they would teach it sign language as the first language. It must be damn hard for hearing parents to raise a deaf child, quickly learnt sign language is not the same as teaching the baby the language they already mastered, years ago. Tony suddenly understood how stupid his little problems were compared to having a disabled child. Does anyone appreciate something as obvious as the ability to speak or hear? It's so natural, no one thinks about it, taking it for granted.

Tony thought the disabled hate pity, especially that lots of them have a job and lead a normal life. That guy from the café could be a writer or painter or a photographer, certainly not a pathetic or useless loser. Fuck. It's hard not to treat those people differently, because they are different but does it mean worse? Perhaps they are more mature thanks to dealing with intolerant morons. 

He decided to come back to the café and at least apologise. At least, because the longer he thought about it, the less weird it seemed to be with a deaf-mute. No yelling, no quarrels, much easier to avoid a stressful talk, just look away. And yes, he wanted to feel better about himself. 

He wrote a note.  _I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you but it was so unexpected. I never saw you using sign language, I had no idea and I kinda freaked out but I still like you and please, forgive me._ Between the lines, _do appreciate my effort and go out with me._ Tony had no idea if mute people could sigh or moan and suddenly, he was very curious about it. 

So the following day, he went to the café, his crush was already there, again, the book and cappuccino. The waiter raised his eyebrows but stayed quiet. Feeling like an idiot, Tony came up to the table, so the guy would notice him and without a word, he gave him the note. It was accepted, although the guy frowned, as if he was trying to say that he wouldn't forgive easily. Tony sat down and waited. The cappuccino lover bit his lip as if he was trying not to smile and put the note on the table, looking at Tony, his green eyes unreadable. After a moment, he nodded, damn, it could mean anything but Tony wanted to think he was forgiven.

He gave him another note, _Can you lip-read?_ Again, a nod. Slowly and clearly, most certainly also offensively, Tony said, 'I feel so stupid. I wanted to talk to you for a long time and when you ignored me, I went mad and then you- I'm sorry, I really am. Could we-' He stopped, again experiencing that idiotic feeling of being ignored by a deaf person because the man turned away to take something from his pocket. A notebook and a pen, of course, he was prepared for such situations. He wrote down something and gave it to Tony. _Apologies accepted, unlike your pity. You can go now._ Ouch. Well-deserved but still, fuck. 

Since he was already classified as a rude person, he didn't move, instead he explained himself but the guy once again stopped looking at him, just got up and left. Tony considered following him,  _listen there, you little shit, it's not often that I say sorry and you're hot, it means something,_ but then the waiter appeared next to him and said quietly, 'Let him go, he's trouble.' Tony's eyes widened. That was unexpected, an acquaintance of a disabled person saying something like that. Tony rather expected being offended or threatened. 

'I don't care. I need to- do you have his address or something? What's his name?'

The waiter thought about it for a moment and then he shrugged. 'Fine, if you insist. But Loki isn't an easy prey, mind you.'

Tony got the address and  the cell phone number. He realised he probably didn't deserve it when he asked himself why a deaf person has a cell phone. 

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony versus ASL (American Sign Language) and the cappuccino bribery.

Fine, Tony though, fine, sign language, how difficult can it be? Piece of cake. He intended on learning something easy to impress Loki. Ok, the internet. For some reason Tony though sign language doesn't have a real alphabet because why would it, it seemed exhausting but after a moment, he was looking at the ASL alphabet. C and V- easy, the same shape but J and Z looked incredibly complicated, fingers everywhere. U, the index and middle finger up, made him think naughty thoughts, intensified by X, the index finger crooked ominously. Fingerspelling, tricky but doable, he could learn that. 

After an hour or so, he was less certain about that. Sometimes the difference between one letter and another was barely noticeable. He would most certainly made a fool of himself. Soon he gave up and started looking for ready sentences, like 'I'm sorry.' Ok, that seemed to be less complicated, first pointing at himself, then moving his fist in a circular motion. Easy. Once he mastered that, he saw the most random sentences translated into ASL, like 'My parents travelled to Europe last summer,' 'I like to use coloured pencils' (?), whoa, so useful. The ridiculously abstract sentence, 'I like sandwiches and hamburgers' made him laugh, he just had to learn that and say it in the wrong context, just to amuse Loki. Ok, the right hand flat between the left palm and the left thumb, in and out, then a gesture suggesting holding a ball in both hands, first the right hand on top, then the left one, must be the hamburger, and finally the thumb and the middle finger pressed together while moving the hand away from one's chest. So rad. 

He knocked on Loki's door at two pm, before he would go the café, holding a chocolate cappuccino as a bribery and revising 'I'm sorry' in his mind. Loki was surprised to see him, obviously, he narrowed his eyes and folded his arms, as if putting more distance between them. Tony gave him a sheepish smile and the cappuccino, Loki hesitated, being angry is one thing but refusing a delicious mixture of chocolate and coffee is too dramatic. Finally, he accepted the gift and took a sip, then licked his lips. Tony forgot for a moment what he was about to say but when Loki moved back and started closing the door, he said 'I'm sorry', ta-da, in ASL. Loki's mouth fell open, ha, he didn't expect that. Wasting no time, Tony pointed at himself, then made this gesture of pulling his shirt away from his chest by using the middle finger and the thumb, 'to like' and finished with pointing at Loki, 'I like you.' Now that was super sweet and Loki had to say yes when he gave him a note, 'Go out with me.' Loki read it longer than necessary, then eyed Tony suspiciously but the coffee and Tony's effort in learning two sentences made him give a simple nod. Yes!

Loki put the cup on the step and produced his notebook and the pen from his back pocket. He wrote a quick message and Tony gasped reading it. _What did you say to me the other day?_ Oh. Loki gave him the pen and Tony answered,  _It's too cold for January._ Loki rolled his eyes, hey, that was funny and good, and definitely someone would finally fall for that.  _I would ignore it even if I weren't deaf._ Buuurn. Before Tony could reply, Loki wrote another note,  _I'm going out tomorrow, meet me here at noon._ Hmm, that seemed awfully early for a date but Loki smiled and Tony thought he liked watching smiling Loki. 

He would totally take Loki to some fast food restaurant and say 'I like sandwiches and hamburgers,' he he he. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An awkward date and finally sth smutty.

Happily skipping three lectures, Tony was at Loki's 5 minutes to 12. He learnt the phrase 'How are you?', fists touching together, then thumbs up and pointing at the person. Loki replied by brushing his right index finger, crooked, against the left palm. Ok. What the fuck did it mean? Tony realised he should have checked the possible answers. Anyway, it wasn't as puzzling as the black cubical bag Loki was wearing over the shoulder. What exactly were they going to do?

Before he could ask that question, Loki started walking, not waiting for him. That long-legged beanpole walked damn fast, Tony followed him, breathing hard. He had no idea where Loki was leading him and it was impossible to talk, no eye contact. Well. Tony considered _accidentally_ grabbing Loki's ass but finally settled for a gentle little touching of Loki's left hand, his fingers skimmed the top of it, just barely and Loki couldn't suppress a smile.

It had to be a joke- Loki dragged him to a cemetery. Like, what did that mean? Loki was pale and black-haired, was he one of those dark creatures that read Edgar Allan Poe, listen to Black Sabbath and talk about dying? What was Loki going to do? Sacrifice Tony? What was in his bag? Tony relaxed when Loki opened his it and carefully pulled out a fancy reflex camera. He held it with the utmost care, as if it was a newborn baby. 

'I knew you're a photographer!' Tony beamed at Loki, who only shrugged and started playing with his camera, what a show-off. He chose an old grave with a creepy Jesus statue, casually squatted down and started taking one picture after another, from different angles, occasionally checking the pics and paying no attention to Tony, who stood there like an idiot, rocking back and forth on his feet, glancing around. Boring. Loki leant forward, now focused on the faded inscription on the tombstone. Unexpected bonus- someone was wearing black underwear. He he. Tony came up, staring at Loki's bottom, only slightly embarrassed by doing it near a grave. Loki must have felt the cold on his lower back, he knew what Tony was looking at and did nothing about it, little slut. Then Tony realised he could say it out loud, Loki wouldn't hear it.

'That ass!' Tony chuckled. 'I'd tap that. Little round ass, just for me. I am so gonna fuck you eventually. That game of yours, ignoring me, it doesn't work.'

More or less patiently, he followed Loki, each grave photographed from every side, Tony pushed away when he was standing too close or blocking the light. Fine, he could stay behind, staring at Loki's ass and talking dirty. He wondered if Loki could be a virgin. He was hot but disabled, oh God, he _was_ a virgin. Tony groaned at the thought of being his first, he would explain to him how it works and be gentle and- damn, it was the worst place to think about sex. Dead people around judging him.

They wandered off to the children's section, tiny graves covered in toys and figurines, plushies wet from the rain, little cars and even creepy angels. Tony felt like an intruder, witnessing the real drama. Loki didn't mind at all, he seemed even more eager. Tony gasped when he rearranged the dolls on one grave,  _nooo, you'll go to hell!_ Tony was grateful that they didn't meet anyone, it wouldn't be easy to explain.

Ok. Eyes on the prize. Loki might have read Tony's mind because when he noticed three tiny angels placed on the ground between the graves, he just lay down on his stomach to photograph them. Mmm. Nice view. Two round cheeks in tight pants. Tony somehow accepted how gross he was and imagined seeing Loki lying like that on a bed, naked and ready to be fucked. Yeah.

Finally, after an hour and a half, Loki turned off his camera, put it back in the bag and wrote a note,  _I'm hungry._ Yes, let's talk about sex and food at the cemetery, not at all inappropriate. Tony hoped they didn't anger any evil sprit. Back on the street, Loki didn't care about Tony's suggestions and again, he set a fast pace. It was so ridiculous, Tony could hardly breathe. After a few blocks Loki stopped in front of some shabby little restaurant and pushed Tony inside. Dirty wallpaper, old wooden chairs, tables not exactly clean. Was Loki a hipster? Was he going to take pictures of his meal? Tony sighed but sat down obediently, he was going to survive this. Then he recalled the hamburger phrase he learnt the other day. Loki watched him blankly.  _You made a dozen of mistakes and we're getting pasta._ He could at least smile. 

When the waiter returned to take the order, he first turned to Loki and Tony immediately started talking, earning a painful kick to the shinbone. Ah, yes, Loki probably could do it alone and Tony offended him. Oh, well, no the first time. Loki took the menu and pointed to the pasta he wanted, glaring at Tony. Not fair, he was just trying to help. 

Loki loved parmesan, he sprinkled his pasta very generously and wasn't shy with salt. Interestingly enough, he didn't enjoy being watched while eating, Tony learnt that the hard way. Loki must have skipped the breakfast because he devoured his pasta in no time, where did it go, he was so thin and still seemed hungry. He scribbled a quick message, _Aren't you going to finish your meal?_ Tony pushed his plate towards Loki, who grinned at him, finally. Note to self, feed Loki. Pour coffee in him and stuff him with pasta.

Tony liked those little notes they exchanged but he had Loki's number, so he texted him,  _Why cemetery? Why today?_ Loki swallowed and answered,  _The first sunny day this year. Sunlight. Photography._ Tony laughed at himself, so it wasn't a game, that awkward date. Loki explained he had to check the weather forecast day after day, waiting for the clear sky. Tony knew nothing about photography but encouraged Loki to say more and hesitantly, Loki told him he did like cloudy, foggy days but the bright winter sun was extraordinary, blinding yet not offering any warmth. He would go to the cemetery every time the sun came out. Tony forced himself to smile, that sounded exhausting and weird but at least Loki was communicating with him. And he licked his lips again, that tease. 

After the meal, Loki slowed down and they walked down the street unhurriedly. Tony noticed Loki put his hand on the bag and stroked it affectionately. Damn. Wasn't learning ASL enough? Was Tony going to research photography, too? Buy a camera and join Loki in cursing the clouds? He totally could do it, especially when he realised they were going back to Loki's place. Oh. Ok.

Loki opened the door and let Tony in. He only saw an incredible amount of shoes scattered in the hallway before Loki grabbed his hand and led him upstairs. Supposing Loki was around 20 and still a virgin, he could be desperate. His room was messy, clothes on the floor, dozens of black and white pictures on the walls, empty wine bottles on the desk, a jar of jellies on the window sill. Tony tried not to judge him but it became impossible when Loki closed the door and with the embarrassing casualness took off his coat, then the sweater and the t-shirt. Umm. He unbuttoned his jeans and pulled them down, sat on the bed and quickly got rid of his socks. Tony watched him in horror, they didn't even hold hands or kiss. He didn't need candlelight and roses but this was just not right. Loki opened the drawer of the nightstand and took out a condom and the lube. Only then did he notice that Tony didn't join him. He looked surprised and annoyed. Tony scared himself by thinking that Loki was so casual about this because he was a prostitute. He was so business-like about it. But who would like a deaf prostitute? Crap, those stupid thoughts. 

The point was, he did like what he saw, Loki looked good in his black underwear, but it was too strange, even for Tony's standards. Loki rolled his eyes, he did that quite often and angrily wrote another message, pressing the pen with enough force to break the paper in several places.  _Isn't that what you want?_ Hmm. Tony did want it but not like this, it was too impersonal and to his utter surprise, maybe a bit too early. Having sex requires trust and someone so vulnerable, unable to say loudly and clearly 'no', someone like that shouldn't let total stranger get into their pants. Tony loathed the idea of doing something wrong, accidentally hurting Loki just because they didn't talk about it first.

'Umm, Loki, I-' Tony stopped because Loki kept writing.  _I thought you wanted to fuck me, so you can disappear and stop pretending you know anything about sign language or photography. You can do it now and then leave._ Tony gritted his teeth, that fucker, provoking him like that, so ungrateful after everything Tony did for him.

'Ok, listen to me,' fuck shit fuck, that's not the right word choice 'Yes, I did make a mistake the other day but I apologised and you said you forgave me, so cut the shit and stop being like that, you idiot! The cemetery, that's was horrible, you're weird, you know that? But I didn't say anything. The food from that restaurant can give you food poisoning and again, I kept my mouth shut. So you need to stop playing the victim, I'm trying my best.'

Instead of writing a vicious reply or kicking Tony out, Loki was completely still, processing what Tony just said, or yelled. He was so shocked that Tony couldn't decide if it was endearing or hurtful.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki's answer, the one at the beginning, means 'Fine'. I can't how sassy that gesture looks.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony meets Loki's family and friends, and discovers that Loki can actually moan.

_So you don't want me?_

Loki looked as if he was going to cry. Crap. Once again Tony hurt his feelings. But it'd be far worse to have sex with him now, especially that the guy hated pity. 

'Of course I do! Idiot!' 

_You're an idiot! Have fun waiting for another chance!_

Tony found out that fighting with a deaf-mute was quite entertaining, those long pauses when Loki wrote his comebacks, Tony had the time to cool off, not the usual quarrel, maybe for the best because having more time to think what he was going to say prevented him from insulting Loki, well, more than necessary. 

Then he heard footsteps, Loki, of course, didn't. He never said he was living with someone but the shoes downstairs would indicate he had a roommate, or two. Tony forgot how to breathe when a well-built blond guy walked in, like he had the right to, without knocking. Damn, why would he knock, Stark, think.

Tony stepped back, sweating nervously. The roommate or the brother glanced at him, then at not exactly dressed Loki and started signing to him, the question: was he deaf as well? Or did he just learnt that language to communicate with Loki? While those two talked, ignoring Tony, he considered sneaking out of the room. The new guy obviously wasn't happy to see Loki whoring around, he did notice the lube, grabbed the bottle and threw it at Loki, who pushed him away and stormed out of the room. The blond followed him, loudly slamming the door behind him. Tony couldn't be more confused. After a moment or two, he left Loki's room and with extreme caution walked downstairs. 

'Since when you're gay?!' 

Oh. So someone was not mute in that house. And Loki just got himself into big trouble, the voice was of an older man, probably his father, ah, the sweet smell of family drama and homophobia. Torn between running away and helping Loki, Tony stood in the hallway, recalling his coming out, the only thing he heard was, 'Give me your house keys.' 

'Umm, hello,' he finally went into the kitchen. As expected, there was Loki, still almost naked, his brother and his father. The younger pointed at Tony, Loki slapped his hand away and they continued silent yet heated discussion. Their gestures conveyed so much emotions, Tony was surprised but evidently sign language was as rich as any other and even without rising one's voice, its users could show their strong emotions. 

Apparently, only the father could speak and at one moment, he turned to Tony, 'Oh, I'm sorry, are you uncomfortable?' Tony most certainly was, but the question was dripping with sarcasm, so he only mumbled, 'Ummm,' hoping he could buy some time. The blond kept pointing at Tony and talking about him, Tony could guess that, he seemed to be appalled by the sheer idea of Loki dating someone like that. Tony felt disgust emanating from Loki's family.

'Morality doesn't mean anything to you, does it?' The father yelled at Loki, who already had tears in his eyes. Tony wanted to come closer and shield him from those two but before he did, Loki slapped the table so hard he gasped and left, using the other door. Damned kitchen with two doors. Loki left Tony with his family. He couldn't go after him because the men blocked the way. _Nooo, Loki come back, you bitch._ Tony didn't know if it was safe to excuse himself now, what if they were going to torment Loki. Since no one was throwing him out, he was going to stay a while longer. 

The father and the brother didn't mind that Loki wasn't there anymore and continued the fight in ASL, glancing at Tony from time to time. Tony didn't know what it meant, weren't they both against him? One of them had to change his mind, all of a sudden, probably the brother. Tony couldn't help it, he didn't like fathers in general.

'Go to Loki, before that prima donna will smash his camera again.' _Again?_ Once Tony was alone with the father, he prepared a hateful speech, everything he wanted to say to his own father but never had the chance to. _I'm still your son, you're supposed to accept me, as I am, this is what parents do, you're have to love me even if I'm a disgusting pervert, as you must think._

The man opened the fridge and grabbed two beers. Tony, feeling uneasy, accepted one, he so needed beer right now. They sat at the table and after a few gulps, he learnt that the father's name was Odin and that Loki was a little shit. 

'Young man, listen to my advice, for your own good. Leave Loki immediately, that boy is trouble. We tried to make him be honest with you, but you saw his reaction, he hit himself, that's what he does, always playing the victim, poor baby, the world doesn't revolve around him and he cannot accept that.' 

Tony bit his lip, he could agree with that, partially but still. However, Loki had the reasons to be like this, he _was_ the victim, deprived of two crucial senses, it was unfair and he had the right to be angry about it. 

'I-I-' Tony stuttered, not sure what he wanted to say. 'So you're not, eh, homophobic?' 

Odin scoffed, 'Son, I couldn't care less about who you or Loki sleep with, I would prefer not thinking about anyone's sexuality. But mark my words, you will regret meeting Loki. That idiot just whined that I'm his father, _you have to be on my side,_ so I can't tell you more. Just stop seeing him.'

Tony emptied the bottle to avoid answering, he never felt more dumb. He knew Loki wasn't the easiest person, he was moody and sometimes mean but then he came back to the kitchen, dressed and distraught, and signed one of the phrases Tony had learnt,  _I'm sorry._ Oh God. He said sorry, call the press. Odin sighed and left them alone. Loki didn't protest when Tony pulled him closer and hugged that skinny, troublesome creature. Loki only nuzzled at Tony's neck, holding him tightly. 

 

* * *

 

_Be cool._

'I'm always cool, shut up.'

_You shut up. Don't make me regret this._

Loki said he was busy that night, going out with his friends. Tony felt a rush of irrational jealousy, how Loki could have other friends, how dared he meet people other than Tony? After a long discussion, Loki agreed to take Tony with him, although _he would get bored_. Yeah, Tony thought, more than at the cemetery? Not possible.

Now they found the pub called Underground, unsurprisingly located in a basement. It was freaking cold in there, obviously and Tony trembled while Loki took off his thin coat, that winter queen didn't mind freezing to death, did he. His friends were already there, they greeted them in, of course, ASL. Tony was prepared, he learnt how to say 'hi', it looked like saluting. Nursing his beer, he again played that game 'is everyone here deaf or are they just being nice to Loki'. Tricky, all of them signed so fast they had to know the language very well. At the beginning, Loki interpreted their questions and Tony's answers; he learnt that the red-haired girl made jewellery, the short guy was a photographer, too and the tanned girl sitting next to him was a chiropractor. They were very surprised that Tony wasn't deaf and for a long moment they just stared at Loki in silence, judging him. What, was it like reverse racism? Was it uncool to date a normal person? Tony was glad he didn't say it out loud, by all means, he wasn't normal.

When Loki went to get another round, Tony braced himself for a wave of disapproval and threats but all he got was a warning, from the red-head, 'Dump Loki, trust me.' So she wasn't mute, good. The others nodded, suddenly very concerned with Tony's well-being. It was fucking puzzling, everyone he met said the same thing. _Loki is up to no good._  Tony wondered what made them say so, was Loki a drug addict? Thin and pale. Or a cheater, who could resist him. 

'Why?' 

'You're not the first person he's fooling around. Dude, run.'

They refused explaining what exactly Loki was doing, it's was actually kinda sweet that despite being so done with Loki's shit, they all were loyal to him. 

Loki drank one beer after another, making Tony turn into the mother hen, Loki shouldn't drink that much, he was already vulnerable and defenceless, someone could take advantage, for example, Tony. He watched Loki, now relaxed and grinning, and he couldn't help himself. He touched Loki's back, stroked it just slightly, no one saw that and Loki didn't stop chatting. Encouraged by that, Tony lowered his hand, rubbing the skin just above the belt Loki was wearing. Still, no reaction. He slid his fingers under the belt and under the boxers and there it was, Loki's ass. The first squeeze was rather gentle. Loki shifted and cleared his throat but made no move to stop it, Tony squeezed harder, raked the skin with his nails and rubbed it hard. Loki blushed. His friends must have known what was going on, yet it was just too good to care about someone else. The moment Tony's fingers brushed Loki's opening, Loki started choking on his beer. Such a virgin.

The girls disappeared first, then the guy and once they were alone, Loki moaned lowly. So he could moan, fascinating. Tony moved his hand to the front, oh, Loki was rock hard. He bucked his hips and his head fell on Tony's shoulder. No one seemed to watch them but damn, it was not the best place. Loki was already close, too close to stop. His ragged breathing and little moans grew louder until he froze, emptying himself in his own pants. Tony continued stroking him, until Loki smacked his thigh. He was still shaking, his cheeks crimson red, naughty little boy. Tony had no idea how naughty- he almost had a heart attack when Loki grabbed his hand stained with cum and licked it clean.  _  
_


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More awkward bonding with Loki's family plus some dirrrty talk.

'Aren't you cold?'

Loki's only response was the middle finger. He was lying on his stomach on wet grass, it'd been raining for the past few days but now it was sunny and Loki found a yellowed leaf he had to photograph. Tony stood beside him, it was damn cold and Loki wasn't wearing gloves, his fingers red and numb, making it more difficult to hold the camera still. Tony sighed, he needed to get used to that crap. He never walked slower, crazy Loki had to take pictures, lots of them, of the things no one else noticed. Raindrops on grass, raindrops on spider's webs. Tree bark, weeds, puddles.

Loki's front was wet and muddy, he didn't mind, already moving forward, he spotted a river. Tony felt a hundred times colder when Loki took off his boots and socks, rolled up his jeans and totally stepped into the river. 

'Are you fucking insane?' Tony yelled, trying to grab Loki's arm and pulled him back but the idiot bent over and carefully lowered his camera till it was almost touching the surface of the water. A million takes later, he turned around to repeat the process.

'What I have to put up with. Come here, you moron.' Loki wasn't looking at Tony, it was like talking to himself. 'You'll get a frostbite and they'll amputate your legs, are you collecting disabilities or what?'

When Loki was satisfied, he joined Tony on the river bank, holding his camera above his head, in case he would fall down. Tony couldn't understand that, the camera was Loki's baby, he stroked it gently and looked at it lovingly. It was ridiculous, Tony couldn't be jealous, it was only a stupid camera. That Loki loved.

Loki casually sat down on the damp grass and put his socks on, on wet feet, then his boots. 

'Oh God. Oh dear God, Loki, no.'

They had to come back earlier, Loki was close to tears because the battery went flat. Tony tried to look concerned and not amused, Loki was really upset. He explained that the _fucking battery always goes flat outdoors but never indoors._ Most often there was no talking on their way back, Loki would check the pictures, although the first thing he did at home was checking them again, this time on the laptop. Tony wasn't allowed to interrupt that process, although all Loki did was pressing the 'delete' button maniacally. Usually half of the new photos got deleted, Loki was merciless. When Tony told him the deleted ones were good, Loki glared at him with an undisguised contempt. _Just don't, Tony, honestly_.  Loki could forgive him mistakes in using sign language but everything Tony said about photography was wrong and unforgivable, like when Tony asked why Loki never took photos of people. Apparently, people are too  _ordinary and stupid and ruin every photo._ Loki was especially angry at the _people ruining photos_ of Salar de Uyuni. 'How else would you see the reflection?'  _CLOUDS. IDIOT._

So, Loki was deleting his photos, still in his wet clothes, while Tony busied himself with going through Loki's staff scattered on the floor. Dozens of brown, dried apple cores, poetry books in French, hon hon baguette Eiffel tower. Tony loved how much of an artist Loki was, it was so easy to tease him about it. He wouldn't wear gloves because he was _suffering for art_. He looked so adorable when he was pouting at Tony,  _you don't understand art, you uncultured swine._ Then Tony saw something odd. Piles of CDs, two quite big speakers, how could he not notice them before? He kicked Loki's leg to get his attention.

'Why would you have this in your room?'

Loki started the player, loud music filled the room, nice smooth jazz. Loki pressed his hand to the speaker. Oh. The vibrations. He could feel the vibrations. The only way he could ''listen'' to music. Tony felt his eyes water. It was one of the saddest things he saw in his life. That was the awful thing, he didn't want to feel sorry for Loki, the guy was doing quite well, yet from time to time Tony felt that helpless anger, why someone as good as Loki was deprived of so many things, music, voices, he would never hear "I love you", it was unfair.

 

* * *

 

Tony forced Loki to close the laptop and take a shower. The point was that Loki couldn't bear anyone looking at him when he was before or after the shower, he was _shower naked, not sexually naked and yes, even when wearing a towel, just get out._ Tony had to go downstairs, no hope for the shower sex, then. In the kitchen Tony saw Loki's mom, Frigga. She was a kindly-hearted and warm person, a typical loving mom, yet when she met Tony, she slapped Loki's arm and totally told him off, or at least Tony thought she did, she was deaf, too. Loki was a momma's boy and Frigga had a soft spot for him, what kind of bad Loki was to deserve that slap? Was it all about the artist's attitude? Tony didn't really mind that.

He actually liked hanging out there, even though he always witnessed a fight- Odin would complain about Loki being such a disappointment, Loki felt offended, Thor, the brother, would point at Tony to prove some point to Loki and that was enough to get them started. Once, when everyone was signing madly at the same time, Tony joined them, fingerspelling the alphabet. They stopped to stare at him and only Frigga smiled. When she offered to teach Tony sign language, the discussion started again, no one cared about Tony's answer but they all seemed to be very emotional about the concept of Tony learning their secret language. 

Now Frigga was making hot chocolate. It was too sweet for Tony's taste but he wouldn't complain. Unlike Loki. He came down, flushed from the hot shower, smelling like soap and he got upset because his chocolate was in the _wrong_ mug. Frigga and Tony rolled their eyes. Loki was such a spoilt child.

 

* * *

_Are you a virgin?_

_In what sense?_

This  _sense. Idiot, you know what I mean. I'm dying to know._

It was really puzzling. Loki did have the lube and condoms but it could only meant that he was prepared. Tony didn't know he had a virginity kink but apparently he did. The idea of eager yet inexperienced Loki turned him on so damn much.

_Maybe._

_What maybe, either you are or you're not._

_I never tried it with a guy._

Oooh. So he was a virgin, a deliciously innocent virgin, all the ideas, all the mental images of Loki taking it for the first time. 

_Do you want to try it?_

_Maybe._

_Dammit Loki, it's a yes-no question. Unless you don't know the answer._

_Fine. But leave one bruise on me and we're through._

_Your porcelain skin will remain flawless, my princess._

_Fuck you._

_Fuck_ you _. Seriously._

_No bondage._

_Ok. Anything else?_

_Try not to make me regret it._

_I'll make you love it._

_Be gentle with me and don't you dare laugh at me._

_I intend on laughing_ with  _you._

_You don't have to be like this, I already agreed._

_You piss me off, Loki._

_You like me._

_I do like you._

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is grateful, Bruce is not happy, the light is good and someone loses his virginity.

The temperature dropped to minus ten degrees and Tony discovered another half annoying, half sweet thing about going out with Loki. They barely moved forward because Loki had to step on every frozen puddle. He looked happy and excited, crushing the ice, he did smile but Tony again felt that heaviness in his chest. Loki couldn't hear the sound of the cracking ice nor could he laugh. Tony never thought about it, all he knew about the mute was that they cannot speak but discovering that they couldn't laugh either- it broke his heart. That damned Loki, playing like a child, in complete silence. Regardless of how much Tony tried, nothing would ever make Loki loudly express his joy. 

It was one of those sunny and awfully cold winter days, Tony was freezing in his thick coat, gloves and the hat, while the diva Loki was didn't even have a scarf. Why wasn't he shaking, no fat to keep him warm. Tony accepted that as a question without an answer, he just had two pair of gloves, in case Loki would stop being so stubborn.

On their way back, Loki held the camera in his red hands, although he barely could press any button, his fingers were too numb but would that make Loki change his mind about gloves? The path was covered in a thick layer of ice, frozen rain from last week and dusted with feathery snow. The worst kind of trap. In one moment Loki was walking next to Tony, in the next- he slipped and was going to fall on his back. Tony instinctively tried to catch his wrist but ended up holding his hand, accidentally preventing the camera from being smashed against the hard ground. Loki landed on his butt and beamed at Tony for saving his precious baby with such gratitude it was almost comical. He examined the camera, no sign of damage, so he put in the bag. Tony helped him to his feet and was rewarded by a kiss. It was better to pretend he did want to catch the camera.

 

* * *

 

'Tony, have you no shame? Taking advantage of a helpless person?' Tony's roommate Bruce did not approve of his relationship with Loki. Well, finally someone didn't bitch about Loki being the bad guy. 'I never expected you to-'

'Oh, stop it, look at him, he's not at all defenceless,' Tony pointed to Loki. He didn't exactly prove his point because Loki was still smiling broadly, the camera bag on his lap. He did look like a naive, warm-hearted boy. He moved his right hand, thumb to the side, to and away from his chest, _thank you._ He said that for the twentieth time since they came back. Tony replied with raising his hand, palm up and barely touching his chest, _you're welcome._ Bruce watched that exchange in disbelief.

'Don't tell me you're learning sign language.'

Tony only waited for that, he clenched his fist and raised it, imitating knocking at the door, twice. Never would he imagine it means  _yes._ Totally knocking at the door. Loki nodded approvingly.

'You're showing off. Should I tell this guy about your reputation, warn him?'

'He's deaf-mute, not stupid. He knows that from the beginning. And since we're talking about it, his family and friends warn _me_. Apparently Loki is a bad, bad boy.' That now was stroking his bag tenderly. Tony wondered what Loki did to earn his reputation.

'It will not end well, I can feel that, Tony.'

 

* * *

 

Loki loved the windows in Tony's room. _EAST. SUNRISE. GOOD LIGHT._ He was so excited, his window faced west and that apparently wasn't good enough. Loki grabbed his camera and took several pictures, just to test the right position for the following morning. Once he was satisfied, carefully put it on the desk and finally turned his attention to Tony. They didn't want anyone interrupting them and it would happen at Loki's place. Every time Tony was in Loki's room, Thor would come in without knocking and say something nasty to Loki, judging from his reaction. 

It took more preparation than with any other virgin. The last thing Tony wanted was to disappoint Loki or hurt him. He knew the signs they would need:  _yes, no-_ the right hand's thumb, the middle and the index finger touching and pointing at the other person,  _continue-_ both thumbs touching together, the fists clenched, but nothing prepared him for Loki fingerspelling  _fuck me._ Tony thought it was something important and focused on understanding the letters Loki was signing, f-u-c-k, then pointing at himself. It was hilarious, who would have thought that sign language had such an uneconomical way of saying it, why bother with fingerspelling, while they could just use the middle finger. And more importantly, why sign a silent letter? Anyway, Loki repeated that, grinning and lay back, pulling Tony on top of him. 

One thing was clear- Tony needed to see Loki's face the entire time, not only to communicate with him but also to see his reaction, first time bottoming is quite an unique experience. He tried to make Loki relax, languidly kissing his neck and chest, rubbing his thighs, caressing his nipples, Loki arched into the touch but winced at the first finger. Yeah, the first one always feels awkward, not painful, not pleasant, just utterly weird. After a moment Tony leant down for a kiss and added another finger. Loki squirmed under him and moved his head to the side, breathing faster, his brows furrowed tightly. Tony brushed his lips against Loki's cheek and nibbled at his earlobe, using his free hand to stroke Loki. The third finger made Loki gasp and throw his head back, eyes still closed, as if he didn't want to face Tony. He bit his lip hard and jerked when Tony found his sweet spot. Only when Loki finally raised his arms and wrapped them around Tony's back, bringing him closer did Tony removed his fingers. He put on a condom, making sure Loki saw that, trust is one thing and safety another. Loki twitched when Tony again covered him with his body, like Tony was going to just shove it inside him.

'Relax, I'll go slow, ok?'

Loki nodded, letting his legs be spread some more, Tony joined their lips together and slowly, slowly pushed inside. It felt divine, the tight heat gripping him but he remembered it was the first time, so he stilled his hips once he bottomed out. Loki stopped returning the kiss and flinched, as though he wanted to pull away, his chest heaving. The gentle touch didn't help, Loki pressed his palm to his eyes and his ragged breathing suggested he might be crying. 

'Oh, honey,' Tony cooed, knowing Loki wouldn't hear him. He didn't like it, if Loki wanted him to stop, he had to give him a sign, hiding like that wasn't helping at all. 'Hey, look at me.' Tony softly kissed the top of Loki's hand and closed his fingers around the thin wrist, unhurriedly and without using his real force pushed it away, Loki let him. His eyes were teary but he signed  _continue,_ his hands shaking. Tony licked his collarbone and sucked on the skin on his neck while moving inside him, slowly and patiently. Loki was still tense and nervous, blushing and trembling. 

'It's ok, Loki, I got you.'

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, ok, I have a virginity kink. I love writing about virgins.
> 
> Thanks for subscribing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffeh.

Tony had an awful dream about freezing to death, the snow was falling on him and the harsh wind took his breath away. He was so cold it made him wake up and promptly he discovered the cause of that arctic temperature in his room. Loki opened the window and was taking pictures of the sunrise, completely nude, begging for pneumonia. Tony gritted his teeth, damn, it was freaking January, he was shaking under the covers, had Loki lost his mind? Just before throwing something at him, Tony remembered the night before, what Loki did for him and instead of starting a fight, Tony got up and put a blanket on Loki's shoulders. Loki was in the middle of pressing the shutter button, so he didn't react at all. Tony got back to bed, successfully resisting the urge of slapping Loki's ass.

 

* * *

 

_What are you thinking about, Tony?_

_Your voice. I wonder what it would sound like._

Loki frowned, perhaps he wasn't quite ok with being mute.

_It'd be very annoying._

_No, it'd be gorgeous, like everything about you._

_Shut up._

_Ok._

_No, go on. Tell me something nice._

_I'm doing this the whole time. I love it that you see beauty in weeds and puddles and old buildings._

_Oh. I thought you hate it when I start taking photographs. Aren't you bored?_

_Nonsense. I occupy myself with staring at your butt._

_Of course you do._

_What are_ you _thinking about?_

_Your voice. I wish I could hear it._

_  
_Again, the heartache. Tony talked to Loki every day. Sometimes he yelled at him at the top of his voice, hoping Loki would hear that. He didn't.

 

* * *

 

  _I spotted you first._

_No, you didn't, you bookworm. I stared at you for days and you never noticed._

_Oh, I did. I'm just more discreet. I imagined you would ask me out. You know how they say you shouldn't let a handsome guy get close because they are out of your league?_

_What?_

_When someone is too good to be with you, you're always scared they would cheat on you and walk away._

_Loki, don't act like you're insecure._

_I am._

_No need. I'm not running away._

_You say it now._

* * *

_You know everyone tells me you're trouble, Loki. What did you do?_

_Oh, nothing, really._

_Is that so? You little liar._

_I would never lie to you._

_Really?_

_I don't want to lose you._

_You won't._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have such a wonderful idea for the ending, can't wait to write it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some porn and angsty walk in the rain.

Tony guessed it was too cloudy to see the sunrise, because when he opened his eyes, Loki was still in bed, his back pressed against Tony's chest. It was a much nicer way of waking up than freezing. Tony slid his hand down Loki's thigh and between his legs, then kissed his nape, smiling at himself. He loved how pliant and relaxed Loki was in the morning, much more receptive and more easily adjusting him. Now Loki arched his back and rubbed his bottom against Tony's crotch, he was in the mood, too. After the semi-disastrous first time, Tony was bent on making Loki come untouched, just from the new sensation of being filled. Loki looked so adorably surprised when it happened, wide-eyed, open-mouthed, shaking from the force of his orgasm and once he cooled down, demanding more.

Now Tony stretched him slowly, curling his fingers, pushing deeper, searching until Loki twitched. He kept the steady pressure on that one spot, listening to soft pants, Loki pushed back, it didn't take much to make him desperate. Tony pressed little kisses to his shoulder and raised his leg to get better access, sighing when he finally slid inside him. Loki shuddered, breathing hard, Tony knew that feeling, when a cock slowly sinks in, it's like being on the verge of orgasm already, so embarrassingly quickly, the faint burning intensifying the pleasure. He held Loki tight, keeping him still when he rolled his hips, just as Loki liked. After a moment, he started thrusting lazily, letting Loki feel every centimetre of him, in and out, leisurely. He shifted to change the angle and Loki buried his face in the pillow, now shyly bucking back. Tony brushed his lips against his neck, whispering how good he felt. A nice languid pace turned Loki into a sweaty, moaning mess, Tony knew he was blushing furiously, the white-knuckled grip on the edge of the bed suggesting it was all going in the right direction.

'That good, hmm?' 

Gliding in slow and deep, Tony cupped Loki's ass and kneaded the soft skin, accidentally they discovered it was something Loki couldn't resist. Once Tony indulged him with a thorough session of rimming but Loki's breath hitched only when he moved to kiss his cheeks. Loki was startled by how heavenly it felt, he had no idea he was so sensitive there.

Tony grazed Loki's collarbone with his teeth, that's was the thing, at that point Loki didn't mind a bit of pain, not when he was getting closer and closer. Merely to help him, Tony rolled on top of him, pinning Loki down. He finally quickened his thrusts, feeling his own release nearing and grabbed a handful of Loki's hair, tugging just enough to make him bow his back. Loki convulsed under him, moaning and Tony let go of his hair, now taking hold of his hips and fucking him into the mattress until he spilled too.

When Loki could move again, he scribbled a quick message, 'It was wonderful, you left me speechless!'

 

* * *

 

Tony found Loki in the kitchen, elbow-deep in cake dough. They seemed to be alone and Loki was helpless, Tony pressed him to the counter and kissed roughly, wondering how much of a bad idea it was to take Loki right there, risking his family would catch them. Speak of the devil, Thor walked in and narrowed his eyes at Loki, signing _hi_ to Tony. It was most confusing, Tony had no idea if Thor liked him at all, maybe he was just angry at Loki for some reason. He moved away from Loki, more or less discreetly squeezing his ass. Loki kept kneading the dough, red-faced and hard.

Thor opened the fridge and took a bottle of water, he sipped it, glaring at his brother. Loki felt that and with his dough-covered fingers signed at him _go away!,_ turning his right hand flat to and away from him. Only to help Thor do as he was told, Tony wrapped his fingers around Loki's wrist and sucked on his finger, tasting the sweet dough. Thor winced and touched his chin with his thumb and index finger,  _gay._ Tony laughed, replying with knocking at invisible door, _yes_. Yeah, it might the reason why Thor wasn't their biggest fan.

 

* * *

 

Loki jumped off the bed when he noticed raindrops on the window pane. Tony chuckled at the frantic sign for rain- both hands, fingers spread, moving up and down. He raised his middle and index finger,  _ok_ and joined Loki in getting dressed. Loki grabbed the camera, Tony- the umbrella and they left. The point was that the reflex camera is a fragile mechanism and it cannot get wet but Loki adored raindrops on leaves or grass or spider's webs and it was a painful dilemma- wait for the end of the rain and risk missing big, fat drops or risk wetting the camera? So Tony was burdened with the glorious mission of holding the umbrella over not even Loki, but the camera. 

Tony tried to shield them three under the umbrella, it wasn't easy because he kept blocking the light, hell, what light, it was rather dark but still, Loki elbowed him from time to time, reminding him to move back. Patiently following Loki, Tony took advantage of having a deaf boyfriend and sang in dramatic tone, 'Now that it's raining more than ever, know that we'll still have each other, you can stand under my umbrella', followed by _ella-ella,_ giggling at himself. 

Loki was holding a tissue and he wiped the camera from time to time but he himself was kneeling on the damp grass. Tony stopped thinking how weird Loki was and instead, gently smoothed his hair, overwhelmed by something he couldn't even name.

On their way back, Loki leant against Tony and held him by the waist, grateful and tired. They walked slowly, exchanging small kisses, the umbrella hiding them from curious eyes. Just the two of them, _plus the camera_.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony is a tiny bit sentimental and worried about Loki.
> 
> Fluffeh.

Tony never thought he was sentimental, yet somehow he kept all the notes he exchanged with Loki, his room was scattered with post-it notes in various colours and white, creased pieces of paper torn from notebooks. The nightstand, the headboard, the desk, everything was decorated with Loki's handwriting. Tony kept them just because they were reusable. It was damn exhausting to have a conversation like that, waiting for Loki's reply, it took forever to decipher his scribbling. Much easier to use old notes. Now Loki's side was covered with a thin layer of paper, the discussion about how gay Loki was. 

Tony was curious if Loki ever dated a girl and since he used to be a virgin to men, it was safe to assume it was Tony who had awaken Loki's inner gay. It was supposed to turn into dirty talk and lead to some naughty activities but Loki, of course, got mad.  _Oh, like you haven't been with a girl! Idiot! You think I did nothing but waiting for you!_ That was exactly what Tony thought. Such a nice idea, Loki saving himself for Tony, so they could share all those special moments.  _For your information, I loved someone before I met you._ How dared he, Tony thought, jealously. Before he said something nasty, Loki continued,  _but he was straight._ Tony bit back some stupid joke when he noticed Loki started crying, silently, as always, _you know this desperation when you don't even want them to love you back, you'd just accept everything they might give you? I never hated my life more._  

Tony tried to cheer him up, _hey, now you got me_ , but the pain of the first, unrequited love never fades away, it's always there, regardless of how happy one can be with someone else. Loki stopped looking at him, lost in thoughts and maybe that was better, Tony was short on words and suddenly felt not good enough for him. They didn't discuss the nature of their relationship, whether it was just a little more than just sex or was it almost love. Perhaps Loki still wanted that other guy.

What could indicate Tony was actually sentimental, was the fact that he started sending real, handwritten letters to Loki. One per day, without waiting for the reply and so did Loki. It was bizarre, like a dozen of different talks, yet at the same time it made the communication easier, less frantic, less mental shortcuts, they both had more time to think what they wanted to write. Tony would start his day by reading a letter while sipping his coffee, he smiled and thought about Loki, knowing he was doing the same. 

Tony didn't notice how much Loki meant to him until he could not throw away neither the notes nor the letters. He felt something melt inside him when it occurred to him that he would read them all again as an old man, sitting on a rocking chair, grey-haired and wrinkled, holding hands with equally old and grey and wrinkled Loki, and they would mock each other's writing skills. 

 

* * *

 

Loki locked himself in the bathroom, as always, although Tony had seen everything already and maybe wanted to brush his teeth. Loki was very strict about it- no one could see him in the shower or wearing a towel. It didn't seem to be that much of a problem until one morning Loki did not leave the bathroom. After 20 minutes Tony started worrying, all of a sudden he understood that stupid Loki could not hear him nor could he ask for help, what if he fell down and currently was bleeding to death? The door locked, Loki not answering because how was he supposed to do that. Tony knocked on the door, hoping that Loki felt the vibrations. No reaction. He was dying, no doubt and Tony wondered it if was the time to break the door down. 

Bruce appeared next to him and was surprised that Tony let Loki lock himself. As if Tony had anything to say, that stubborn fool didn't listen to anyone, also figuratively. It was not safe, Loki should have known that, he was not like most people, he was much more helpless and depending on others.

The door finally unlocked, Tony gasped when he saw Loki's face, now almost green. Loki barely kept himself upright, his eyelids too heavy, he looked awful. Tony gathered him in his arms, guessing the idiot got sick and took his time praying to the porcelain god. It made him worry even more, Loki could have fainted, it was just unwise of him to lock the door. The only response for his kind suggestion was again, the middle finger. Loki went mad every time Tony said something like that, as if he didn't know how to cope with his disability.  

Maybe they were too different to be together.

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wants a new battery. Tony fears that sth bad is happening to Loki at home. And there's an intervention.

Loki grew tired of having only one camera battery, argumenting that it was like having one arm and forced Tony to join him in the search of a new battery. Apparently it was not as simple as one might think and Loki didn't want to waste money on the most expensive one, although the cheapest might not be good at all. Tony rolled his eyes, what choice did he have. 

He knew it was going to be a bad day. By the time they reached the electronic shop, several times someone said, 'Excuse me' to Loki, who now walked slowly and once he didn't react, they got annoyed and threw some nasty comments at him, completely unaware that he didn't hear them. Tony was conflicted, unsure if he should make a scene, embarrass those people or just let it go, Loki had no idea what was happening, maybe that was better. He just grabbed Loki's hand and squeezed reassuringly.

They spent ages going through all sorts of batteries and Loki couldn't decide. When they were offered help, it was even worse because the shop assistant didn't know sign language, obviously and Loki got frustrated when Tony failed as the interpreter. 

When Loki finally made up his mind and they made their way to the cash register, the lady turned her attention to Tony, having noticed Loki's signing. Loki gritted his teeth, he didn't like being ignored. 

'Umm, he can lip-read,' Tony said, hoping he could till fix that awful situation. Unlikely. The lady looked at Loki and very, very slowly, as if Loki was mentally disabled, she said, 'Hi, how are you?' 

Loki's face was bright red with shame and anger, his fists clenched. It didn't help when Tony was asked if he was Loki's care-taker because how could someone like Loki go out alone. That was enough, Loki turned around and left, not waiting for Tony and without the battery. Drama queen. Tony sighed, excused them and followed Loki. 

It was so stupid, Loki really needed a new battery but instead he had to act so childishly. Didn't he get used to such situations? Sure it was unpleasant, yet Loki was old enough to control his emotions. Or maybe not, Tony thought when he tried make Loki go back to that shop. Instead of solving the problem, Loki preferred self-pity. He pushed Tony away and refused to look at him. That was the most annoying thing about him, he would turn away, break the eye contact mid-sentence, ignoring Tony and whatever he was saying. When he didn't like what Tony was telling him, all he had to do was close his eyes or turn away from Tony, there, conversation over. Taking advantage of his deafness, Tony would call him an idiot. At least he could let off the steam without Loki's knowing. 

 

* * *

 

Tony climbed the stairs holding a chocolate muffin for Loki, a bribery to make him stop editing his photos and pay some attention to his boyfriend. But Loki wasn't there. Tony put the muffin on the desk and then heard some noise coming from the hallway. He left just in time to witness a bizarre scene. Thor stormed out of the bathroom, red-faced and fuming but he composed himself enough to sign hi to Tony, then passed him and disappeared in his own room. But he didn't turn off the light in the bathroom, someone else was there. Tony froze when he saw Loki, a towel wrapped around his body, blushed cheeks and tears that he tried to wipe but instead just smeared them. Once he noticed Tony, he held an arm out to him.

Tony didn't move, too shocked by the sudden thought that would explained everything. Why Loki's family didn't want them to be together, didn't want Tony to learn sign language, Thor wanted to keep Loki to himself, maybe not just him, maybe also Odin. Tony was going to get sick. It was not happening. But Loki didn't let anyone see him like this and Thor was in with him in the bathroom, Loki was crying, that was enough for Tony. Slowly, he turned around and made his way to Thor's room, he had a plan. Punch Thor, survive, tell Loki to get his camera and take him away from those people. He would keep Loki safe and not let anyone hurt him again.

He slammed the door open but Thor of course didn't hear it. Those deaf people, ruining Tony's dramatic entrée. He punched Thor's bicep to get his attention, regretting it immediately, damn, that hurt. Thor looked at him questioningly, not even angry, just amused that someone like Tony wanted to fight with him. Definitely insulting.

'What was that, what happened- what did you do to Loki?'

Thor crooked his index finger and moved it from side to side, then fingerspelled Loki's name. Ha.  _Ask Loki._ Cheeky bastard. If Tony's suspicion was true, grilling frightened, ashamed Loki wasn't the best idea. Feeling more protective of him than ever, Tony raised his fist, only slightly embarrassed by Thor's provocative calmness, Tony totally could hurt him, he could at least pretend he was scared. 

Someone grabbed his arm and pulled, Loki was standing behind him, still undressed but not crying anymore. Thor signed something really quickly to Loki, how clever, they knew Tony needed like an hour to understand a simple sign. Loki  only stuck his tongue out, that was clear enough and tugged at Tony's arm until he gave up and let Loki lead them to his room. 

'What the hell happened?'

_I forgot to lock the door and that idiot walked in, we had a fight._

'But you cried!'

_Thor can be very mean and I hate having company in the bathroom. What did you think it was?_

Tony covered his face with his hands, half laughing, half whining in shame. Talk about jumping to conclusions. He wanted to play a hero, save Loki from his family, be the knight in shining armour. Poor Thor, oh God. Not only did he have to deal with his idiotic brother but also with Tony. 

'I thought he was, umm, err, using you...?' 

Loki smacked his arm, offended by such insinuation but then realised Tony was going to risk his life by lashing out on Thor and a sacrifice like this made him grateful, very grateful. He did share his muffin with Tony.

 

* * *

 

Gratefulness is one thing, Loki's weird modesty- another. Tony was forced to leave, so Loki could get dressed, arguments like, 'I saw everything already' useless. At least he was relieved that it wasn't a sign of abuse. Damn, now Thor was going to really hate him. Tony sensed his disapproval, it's was ridiculous, he didn't mistreat Loki, actually he was trying harder than ever before. Why would Thor play the overprotective brother?

Tony planned on sneaking into the kitchen, smoothly avoiding bumping into any of Loki's relatives, what if Thor told them what an idiot Tony was? It was wiser to stay away from them for some time. He almost accused them of hurting Loki in an awful manner. It would be hard to forget.

Lucky as always, Tony marched right into the trap. Loki's parents and Thor sitting at the table, waiting for him, all very serious. Tony gulped, too late to run away, oh crap, explaining himself could be problematic. He sat down and tried to think of some nice apologies. 

'Tell me, son,' Odin started grimly. 'Is Loki good for you?'

What. That was unexpected. Tony stared at them, feeling more dumb that ever. So they weren't angry at him but at... Loki?

'Does he treat you well?' Odin asked again, now slower, guessing that Tony's brain was having a hard time processing the information. 

'Umm, yes.'

His answer surprised them. After exchanging a few signs with his wife, Odin continued, 'So you like him? Even though he's a handful?'

'Yes,' Tony replied quickly, before he could recall all those moments when Loki was driving him crazy. 

'Even though he's stubborn and cares only about himself?'

'Y-yesss.' Tony was as startled as the family because he really meant it.

'Even though he's so difficult?'

'Yes!' 

For a moment they all sat in silence, digesting what Tony said, what he implied. He himself was astonished. Discovering someone's flaws and staying, hmm, darn, he knew what it meant. Frigga did too, she moved her hands quickly, excited and beaming at him, he understood one sign, a crucial one- both arms drawn to the body and crossed over in front of the chest.  _Love._ She asked him if he was in love with Loki. Thor and Odin gave him a pitying look, how encouraging. And how romantic to come to such conclusion during the awkward intervention. 

Using Loki's clever way of avoiding difficult questions, Tony got up and left the kitchen, shaking his head. It couldn't be true. Although he did for Loki more than for any other person. Putting up with his photography. Tolerating his worst moods. Learning that damned sign language. Defending him. Crap.

What was even worse was the fact that it was the first week of February. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The battery struggle is real. When you buy a reflex camera, one battery is attached. One! What the fuck can you do with one battery! It's like having one leg or one arm. I had to buy two more to be satisfied.
> 
> Dang, I like this story. Do you like it?


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Całe życie z wariatami.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was listening to 'Love's requiem' by HIM, this chap is emotional, as you might have guessed already.

Tony cursed himself for thinking it'd be nice to describe sounds to Loki. They were in the park, sitting on a bench and Tony tried to tell what he heard: children screaming dramatically, cars in the distance, wind blowing, dogs barking. He knew Loki had a rich imagination yet still, he might not be able to imagine all those sounds and perhaps it was easier for him to pretend they did not exist. Realising how much he was missing had to be hard. Tony only got that when Loki stopped looking at him, ergo stopped 'listening' and rested his head on Tony's shoulder. The thing was, sad Loki was cuddly and as much as Tony wanted him to be happy, he enjoyed those moments when he could held him close, a bit too tight and Loki wasn't wriggling away.

He wrapped his arm around Loki's back, pressing him against his chest and Loki nuzzled at his neck, his hands slid under Tony's coat. Not even to caress but to warm them and Tony let him, although those cold fingers gripping his side made him shiver.

At least it wasn't one of those times when sad Loki would take it out on Tony. Once they were in a rush and needed coffee. Just to make it quick, Tony ordered for the both of them. He didn't mean to prove that Loki was not able to do so but of course, Loki knew better and he wouldn't let an opportunity like that pass by, the café was crowded, what a perfect audience. So he threw a silent tantrum, signing angrily at Tony, his movements sharp and too fast to comprehend them, his eyes glaring at Tony, he was glad they were watched, how odd, the people must have thought, how odd it is to see a deaf-mute screaming with his hands. 

So many times a little thing like that, a subtle reminder of his disability made Loki lose his temper. Before meeting him, Tony would have just backed away, the disabled are like sacred cows, one cannot offend them or criticise them because they are already so unfortunate, they can get away with basically everything. Now, though, Tony would just let Loki vent his anger for a moment, then hold him down and repeat, 'Stop. Stop that already.' Loki hated when people pitied him but he indulged himself in self-pity. He did try to manipulate Tony, as a poor disabled boy that no one can say no to but Tony wasn't that naive.

'Fucking homos.'

Tony raised his eyes, a man in his forties and a younger woman, holding hands, staring at them, judging. Loki, of course, had to choose that exact moment to start kissing his neck and tangle their legs. The man looked straight into Tony's eyes with such disgust it reminded him of his father.

'Right in front of the kids, perverts.'

Tony covered Loki's face with his hand, to shield him from that, to make sure he wouldn't look up and lip-read the nasty comments. 

 

* * *

 

It was quite startling that Loki was so careless. He had to rely mainly on his sense of sight, yet when he held his camera, he would focus only on the images he saw through it. Someone might come very, very close to him, he wouldn't even know what got him. He was such an easy prey, nothing easier than mugging a reckless deaf person. Loki was easily distracted, oblivious of the danger awaiting someone like him. Tony imagined that, as a deaf-mute,he  would look around constantly, always scared of what he could not predict. Loki, however, saw nothing wrong in walking on the sidewalk in the middle of the city and reading a book. Tony thought it was someone else, someone _not deaf,_ someone who could hear and avoid danger by focusing on sounds surrounding him. Loki's eyes fixed on the book, he was going to either hit his head on a pole or bump into someone or get hit by a car and _he was reading_. Tony came up to him quickly and forcibly took away the book, seriously considering smacking Loki with it. 

'Are you insane?!' He yelled. Loki's expression went from joy at seeing Tony to ice-cold fury. He said he could still see things out of the corner of his eyes and asked if Tony wanted him to hold a sign saying, 'I am deaf and mute, please, don't hit me with you car.'

Tony thought he would really like that.

 

* * *

 

He was dreaming about being pushed of a cliff, someone was kicking him off it, into the abyss, till he woke up. Loki was turning from side to side, he couldn't sleep and he wasn't one of those who would calmly wait for it, perhaps he was panicking because his main sense was useless in the dark. At night he was more exposed, an easy target. 

It's be best to turn the lights on, let Loki lip-read soothing words but that would hurt their eyes, the sudden light, so Tony opted for a tight embrace, reminding Loki that he was not alone, that he was protected. It did calm Loki down, he would stop moving, his breathing slowing down. Tony would thumb his skin gently and mutter something comforting in his ear, knowing that Loki felt the vibrations. In the safe dark of the night, hidden from Loki's piercing gaze, Tony whispered to him, 'I love you.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Preston Burk and Cristina Yang telling each other 'I love you' for the first time, I'm still not over that, I hate them both, my otp.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 13th Warrior, wait, no, the 13th chapter. 2013 and 13 chapters.
> 
> Valentine's Day. A wild Fandral appears.

The awful thing about starting dating someone in January is the fact that stupid Valentine's Day is getting closer and closer. Tony had no idea if Loki loved him, maybe he just loved the attention. Yeah, that was possible. It seemed weird to just ask, 'Hey, are we doing something on the 14th?' Loki didn't mention Valentine's Day, probably too absorbed in his self-love. Ah, well.

The 13th, Tony was just going to bed when he heard knocking on the door. At that hour, what the hell, a murderer, no doubt. Ignoring the knocking didn't help, a very insistent murderer, fine, Tony tried his luck and opened the door. For a moment he really thought he was being attacked when a dark creature practically assaulted him with hot kisses and grabbing hands.

'Loki, you scared me, what are you doing here?'

Loki pointed to his wristwatch, ah, it was after midnight, the 14th already. So romantic, giving your lover a heart attack on that special day.

Not at all bothered by Tony's reaction, Loki gripped his hand and led them to Tony's bedroom. Yeah, that was Tony's kind of gift, he though staring at Loki's ass, Loki knew him so well. Or maybe not- instead of taking his clothes off, Loki started pulling something from his bag. Too big and too flat to be a sexy sex toy. Loki handed him a mysterious object that looked suspiciously like a book, wrapped in red paper. Poems, some snobbish poems, Tony was sure. Loki was grinning at him in excitement, very pleased with himself, as always.

It was a photo album. Tony opened it, expecting to see pictures of leaves and graves but all he saw was himself. The whole album was filled with photos of _him_. Tony rolling his eyes, staring at his shoes, making faces when he thought Loki didn't see him. Tony gasped, unsure what he felt. Loki must have took those pictures when he wasn't paying attention, bored to death but staying at his side nonetheless. Loki said people are too ordinary to photograph them. 

Loki was waiting impatiently for his reaction and lightened up when Tony thanked him. A well-thought gift, hand-made, he thought he won that round and that whatever Tony got for him would be far less romantic. Little did he know. 

He eyed the little cubical box Tony handed him, trying to guess what it was. Small, too small to contain a muffin or gloves. Prepared for a severe disappointment, Loki torn the wrapping paper and his breath hitched. He raised his eyes on Tony, open-mouthed.

'What, isn't that what you wanted?'

Loki smacked his arm playfully and opened the box. A brand new battery for his camera. The one he didn't buy the other day. Loki examined it carefully, it was the one he chose. Now he didn't know what to say. Finally he put the battery on the desk and pointed to himself, then crossed his arms in front of his chest and pointed at Tony. _I love you._ Well, finally.

 

* * *

 

Loki's eyes were kind of red and teary, he pressed his palm to his chest breathing hard and blinked to hold back tears. Good, Tony thought, exactly what he deserved. Loki insisted on ordering the most spicy pizza and wasn't shy with tabasco, now he looked like he was about to have a heart attack. He finished the second slice and clearly regretted his decision, yet his pride wouldn't let him admit his mistake.

'Ok, you can stop, here, try some of mine,' Tony offered generously, nothing says _I love you_  more than sharing a pizza. Loki gulped down another glass of water and bravely continued with his self-destructive stubbornness, his hand shook when he raised the third slice. 'Fine, suit yourself.'

After a few bites, Loki gave up, he dropped the slice and froze, staring at something behind Tony, probably wondering if his taste buds burnt for good.

'Loki?'

It was a male voice, judging from Loki's reaction, someone important. Tony turned round. 

The guy was taller than Tony, that was enough to dislike him, slim and fair-haired. He glared at Loki with obvious disdain, then glanced at Tony for a moment. Loki signed _hi_ and then fingerspelled the name, Fandral. Interesting, Tony decided, old enemies, probably.

'You're still doing this?' Fandral asked angrily. 'Fooling another one? I was not enough?'

Loki replied quickly but Fandral came closer and caught his wrist in a bruising grip, Loki winced and tried to free himself. While Tony considered playing a hero, again, Fandral let go and leant over Loki.

'More lies, hmm? You're more messed up than I ever thought,' he spat out. Loki rubbed his wrist, keeping his eyes on Fandral. Tony had the awful feeling of being an intruder, so subtly ignored by those two.

'Umm, hi, hello? I'm still here.' He reminded watching how Loki's cheeks blushed even more. Was that shame?

'Why won't you tell your friend who I am, hmm, Loki?' Fandral suggested in a low voice. Loki narrowed his eyes and didn't try explaining anything. Of course. Fandral sighed, 'Yes, why would you, better keep lying, right? That's all you can do well,' Fandral snarled and left in a hurry.

Loki said he used to go out with him but it didn't work out. _Please, don't ask any more questions._  Ok, Tony said, right.

 

* * *

 

He brought Loki a chocolate cappuccino to cheer him up. Loki was still upset about meeting Fandral, but the coffee and the fact that Tony let it go helped. Loki drank his cappuccino, leaning against Tony's chest and even smiled when Tony kissed away the foam from his lips.

'Go take a shower, I'll wait for you.'

It was a clear sign that Loki was really sad- he didn't argue with Tony, just obediently went to the bathroom and locked the door. Ok. Tony rolled up his sleeves, time for a little investigation. 

Loki's desk was a mess, piles of black-and-white photographs, battery chargers and lots of post-it notes they exchanged. But that was just the first layer, somewhere in this room there had to be a trace of Fandral, something that could explain their weird behaviour and Loki's obvious lie. The top drawer was filled with old pens, wrinkled pictures, some drawings, keys and padlocks. The next one was full of yellowed newspapers, packs of chewing gum and dirty popsicle sticks. In the third one Tony found matches, tissues, little tubes of flavoured lube, two painkillers, dozens of paper clips, train tickets and sleeping pills. The nightstand drawer was locked, why Tony didn't notice that earlier? He returned to the desk, found a handful of keys and tried every one of them. Damn. Wait, Loki had a key in his wallet. And his wallet was in his bag, thrown on the bed. Feeling victorious, Tony managed to open the last drawer, only to discover handcuffs ("No bondage"), some condoms and a dildo. Would you look at that, Tony smirked, but when he asked if Loki was playing with himself, he was punched. Shy little liar. Under his bed, Tony noticed only dirt, dried apple cores and an old plushie. Wait, where _he_ would hide something? 

Bingo. Right under Loki's underwear there was a photo album and several hand-written letters. From Fandral. Perfect. Tony was going to borrow them. The album, why did it surprise him, Fandral's smiling face looked at him from every photo.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I so hope you thought it was an engagement ring, trololol. Nothing easier than buying gifts for photographers, we always need more batteries and memory cards.
> 
> I love your comments, moar.
> 
> Next update next year!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki gets dirty and cooks with Tony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, subscribing and kudos.

'Is this wise?'

Loki was standing on the steep slope, his face and the camera level with leaves rimmed with frost that were carefully placed on the ground. He held the camera with both hands, balancing on his feet, apparently that it was better than just lying on the ground to get the right angle. Tony leant against a tree, looking down on Loki, trying to predict when he would fall down. Loki was thrilled, the sun was right behind his back, shining on the leaves that he carefully put there, just for the sake of good light. 'Hey, that's cheating,' Tony pointed out, amused by Loki's serious face. It was around two pm, the rime on the sunny side melted already and the one that didn't melt was in the dark. Still, it was hilarious to see Loki rearranging nature to his liking. 

Loki straightened up to check the photos and finally lost his balance. He slithered down the slope. Tony couldn't even feel sorry for him because Loki actually managed to keep the camera in one hand, high up and saved it from any damage, while his butt, back and the camera bag was covered in a thick layer of soil. Tony burst out laughing when Loki first checked his precious baby, then got up, his back completely brown and without wasting any time for cleaning himself, started taking photos of the twigs right above his head. To get his attention, Tony picked up a handful of pebbles and threw them at him. Loki twitched when they hit him, not very hard, and shot Tony an angry look.

'Come here, silly. I'm not gonna go down for you.'

Gently cradling the camera in his right palm and pressing it to his chest, Loki started climbing the slope, only twice did he land on his knees and finally gripped Tony's hand. Damn, he was heavy, Tony gasped pulling Loki up. The first thing Loki did when he was at Tony's feet was to show him the photo that made him slide down so gracefully. 

'Yeah, it's lovely and you're so, so dirty. Can we go back now?'

 

* * *

 

Fandral's letters. Tony didn't feel any wiser having read them all. It was pretty obvious that it wasn't the crush Loki once mentioned, so there was someone between the straight guy and Tony, maybe only Fandral or maybe a dozens of other mysterious men. Perhaps Loki had a real reason to be such a bitter bitch, Tony remembered their awful first date.

Fandral's both parents were deaf, so he was fluent in sign language (stupid fucker) and the only reason they exchanged letters was that Loki broke his left arm and couldn't sign properly. Ok, at least it wasn't as romantic as it was when Tony started the whole letter thing. Not much of a consolation; Fandral was so smooth and charming in his written flirting that Tony furrowed his brows and muttered curses at him. No wonder Loki fell for that suave fucker.  _I have no clue about photography, yet thanks to you I've learnt to appreciate a beautiful sunset or raindrops on the window pane, you showed me beauty in everyday situations._ Idiot, Tony gritted his teeth, one pang of jealousy after another.

From what he understood, Fandral and Loki had just started dating when he wrote those letters, first shy attempts at getting into each other's pants. Loki was anxious about crossing that line, fucking Fandral sweet-talked him into it, complimenting Loki's photography and his intelligence. That vain creature could totally let Fandral fuck him for being praised like that. 

He found no explanation of Loki's supposed dirty secret, no reason for hating Fandral. Just a little infatuation put into words. 

The more Tony thought about it, the more he was sure that Loki might have carefully chose the letters he put in his drawer. Perhaps those more juicy ones were hidden in a safer place. 

He needed to talk to Fandral. He didn't know his address, number or surname but it's wasn't Tony's biggest problem.

 

* * *

 

Loki winced cutting half-defrosted chicken breasts, he looked so adorably appalled by the texture and the pink colour of the meat, he couldn't bear touching the meat with even the tip of his finger, so he used a fork and a knife to cut it, hissing when he accidentally brushed the meat with the heel of his palm. But no, he wouldn't fry the whole breast, he had to cut into really small pieces. Tony laughed at him, though only behind his back because damn, he was hungry.

Once Loki was done with the ordeal of cutting the meat, he put it in a bowl and squeezed half of the bottle of mango sauce on it. He was so focused, little perfectionist cook, wonderful. Tony sneaked out of the kitchen to find Loki's jacket, or his cell phone, to be more precise. Tony was getting used to spying, he returned to the kitchen and casually pressed Loki to the counter, grinding his hips against his bottom and kissing his neck. Loki continued with stirring the rice, although his hand was trembling. Wondering which hunger he wanted to satisfy first, Tony helped Loki put the meat in the frying pan while biting his shoulder. Multitasking at its best. 

 

* * *

 

Clever little shit, he deleted Fandral's number. Tony checked the list twice, cursing, then noticed Thor's number and a brilliant idea crossed his mind. He texted Thor, from Loki's phone and asked for Fandral's number. It took Thor ages to reply, Tony was almost sure Thor somehow sensed what was going on. With every step he took into this madness, Tony made the possible future apologies more and more complicated. He searched Loki's room and stole his phone. 

When Thor texted him back, Tony hesitated, almost deleted the text without reading it but he went too far to quit now. Thor did send him the number. Well. Time to call Fandral. 

 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony discovers Loki's dark secret (-s).

I am not doing anything wrong, Tony tried to convince himself as he was waiting for Fandral. It was all Loki's fault, he forced him to seek answers this way. Little lying shit. Taking pictures of Fandral, hah, that was Loki's idea of a good present, fucking photos. How many men he photographed, that slut.

Fandral didn't keep him waiting. He showed up on time, he and his annoying smirk. On the phone, he asked mockingly if Loki knew about it. Tony didn't want to think of Loki's reaction. He just needed to know what the whole fuss was all about and then either confront Loki about it or let it go.

'So, how can I help you?' Fandral sounded amused. Yeah, but when Loki dumped him he surely wasn't that happy. Fucker.

'What did Loki lie about? Why did you two break up?' 

Fandral nodded and looked away, as if he was thinking about the answer but then he laughed nastily, 'And you just expect me to tell you everything, right? Just like that?'

Tony frowned, why did he even think it was going to be easy.

'No,' Fandral was serious now. 'You see, I was once like you, blindly following Loki and I had to discover the truth all by myself.'

'What? So his family didn't warn you?' Tony asked impulsively and immediately regretted that when Fandral laughed again.

'Oh God, they _warned_ you? Well, that's something new. Anyway, that family, this is one of the reasons why Loki is so fucked up. His father doesn't understand what went wrong but it's kinda his fault. I have no idea why they were allowed to adopt Loki.' _Oh fuck shit_. 'You know he's adopted, right?'

'Yes,' Tony lied quickly, he had no fucking idea, damn, that explained a lot, why Odin and Loki constantly fought with each other. Dealing with a rebellious lying boy that wasn't even of his blood.

Fandral narrowed his eyes at that blatant lie. 'If you say so. At least now you see why Loki is a pathological liar, lots of his issues stem from this adoption thing. I told him to seek help before starting a new relationship. I guess he didn't listen. Will you? Break up with him, for your own good.'

That sounded familiar. Tony didn't know what to think of that. Loki was adopted, ok, a deaf child goes to a deaf family, except that Odin could hear- was that what Fandral meant? Odin and Loki being too different to create a bond? Loki suffering from abandonment issues? Maybe he wasn't just left at the hospital right after birth, maybe he spend his first years in an abusive or neglectful family? Perhaps his real parents didn't notice he was deaf-mute and thought he was intellectually disabled or just disobedient. 

'So you left him because of that?' Tony clenched his fists, barely stopping himself from punching Fandral. No wonder Loki lied, scared that the truth would repel Tony for good. Not his moods or obnoxious habits but something he couldn't control. 

'Of course not. I suggest you ask Loki.'

Yeah. Because that's easy.

 

* * *

 

Still digesting the news about the adoption, Tony decided he would talk to Frigga, the only reasonable person in that house. He wanted to hear that Loki was not  maltreated. Firstly, though, he had to put the letters from Fandral back where he found them. And the phone, he copied most of the numbers anyway, just in case.

That evening, in Loki's room, Tony could have sworn those letters weighed a tone, hidden in his pocket. Loki didn't seem any different but his biological parents left him and even a short period of not even being neglected but just not receiving enough love and attention as a baby, that's disastrous. What if Loki, as a tiny boy did rock back and forth?Damn.

Apart from feeling sorry for Loki, Tony was also getting nervous about those stupid letters. Loki didn't go to the bathroom or downstairs, no way of putting the letters back in his underwear drawer without being caught. Tony didn't want to wait any longer, desperate times call for desperate measures- he asked Loki to go make him a sandwich. Loki took it as a joke and when Tony didn't laugh, he frowned and finally moved his lazy ass out of the room. Tony could expect a nasty surprise in that sandwich.

Quickly, he opened the right drawer and was about to leave the letters under the photo album when he noticed a note. Loki's handwriting.  _I hope you enjoyed reading my letters. I will thank you to respect my privacy._ Fucking fuck. Ffffuck. He turned around and Loki was there, looking so disappointed and hurt. Crap. So it's true that his remaining senses were sharpened, in this case- his sixth sense. 

'Ok, yes, I read the letters, I'm sorry. And I took your phone. But you didn't want to tell me anything about Fandral. You- you never told me you were adopted, I had to hear that from Fandral' Tony said, hoping it would draw attention away from his mistake. 

Loki took a shuddering breath and lowered his gaze. Tony hoped it wasn't shame, Loki had no reason to be ashamed of being adopted, although, in his view, that probably explained why he was never good enough for Odin, why Thor was favoured. That's the awful thing about adoption- people are designed to love and care about their next of kin, not strangers. This is why most often it's stepparents who abuse children because there's no biological connection and they always have easy access to children, and it's a major challenge to treat one's biological and adopted children equally. 

_So what, now you think I'm worse because I didn't deserve love as a newborn?_

'No and don't try to make it all about your messed up self-esteem. I know you're not that fragile, so don't give me that crap.' Yeah, much better to secretly pity Loki, God forbid he would know about that, that manipulator, he would use that to win every argument. 'Instead, how about you stop lying about the reason why you and Fandral hate each other now, hmm?'

Loki was pissed, that was obvious, burning eyes, clenched jaw and the angry, barely readable answer,  _Fine! I'll tell you, so you can run away, just like Fandral!_ Tony tried not to smile at Loki's silent yelling. It was still amusing.  _You remember that unrequited love I mentioned some time ago? I might have overreacted when I was rejected. I was a teenager, emotionally unstable and well, I'm not proud of what I did._

'What did you do?' Oh crap, what if he was a criminal, after all? Tony imagined some more or less passive-aggressive ways of dealing with a broken heart.

 _I might have mentioned that I considered suicide. I didn't really mean that, I just wanted him to know how much I-, anyway, he got mad and when I was with Fandral, that guy found him and warned him because apparently I'm crazy._ Apparently, Tony scoffed.  _Fandral urged me to see a psychiatrist and that was it, the end of that fling. So now you know and could you please, stop acting like a half-witted spy?_

'So that's it? Fake suicidal thoughts and the adoption? That's all?'

Loki nodded. _Will you stop this nonsense? Let it go?_  

'Yes,' Tony agreed and gave Loki a reassuring smile. 'Yes.'

 

* * *

 

As soon as he left Loki's house, Tony called that redhead, non-mute-yet-signing friend of his, Natasha. Very reluctantly, she agreed to meet him. Tired of that drama, Tony didn't waste time and asked her straight away if Fandral left Loki because of that emotional blackmail from the past.

'Yes,' she mumbled, staring at Tony in stunned disbelief. 'Did Loki tell you that?'

'Not willingly but yes.'

'Oh.'

'So there's no more secrets, right? Only those two things?' Tony really wished he could just trust Loki and accept his version. He only needed someone else's confirmation.

'Yes,' Natasha sounded honest.

Tony relaxed and thanked her for her time. He was about to leave when he heard her whispering, 'Głupi.'

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce doesn't like Loki. Loki makes himself sad.

A night out without Loki. Tony was told off for neglecting his friends and caring only about his crazy boyfriend. Fine, it's not like he was glued to Loki, they could spend some time apart.

'It's so unusual to see you without without him,' Bruce noted, buttoning his jacket. Tony scoffed, annoyed already, one of his shoelaces got tangled and he wasn't in the mood to discuss his relationship. He didn't tell anyone about spying on Loki or talking to Fandral and Natasha behind his back. For anyone else, It would look worse than it actually was.

'Yeah. Loki likes hanging out here, where we can avoid his family.'

'I've noticed. It seems that he already moved in. His coffee mugs are in the kitchen, his toothbrush and towels in the bathroom. Look, this is his scarf, isn't it?'

There was a hint of disapproval in his tone. Tony was aware of a mutual dislike between Loki and Bruce, he saw subtle signs of it day after day but so far, no one started a real fight. It meant that Tony didn't have to deal with it yet.

'Let's go,' Tony finished his battle with the shoelace and got up. Bruce nodded and opened the front door. Loki was standing there, his hand raised to knock, or to sign _yes_ , Tony would have laughed, if only Loki hadn't came to just ruin the night.

Loki made that innocent face that was supposed to fool Tony and showed them a dvd he brought. 'The 13th Warrior,' they only watched that around fifty times together and Loki always smacked Tony's thigh in excitement when Buliwyf writes the Shahada on the ground. Tony would only roll his eyes, bored to death.

Watching films with Loki was a complicated task. Those special subs for the deaf distracted Tony, every five seconds someone 'clears throat', people 'argue indistinctly,' everyone is 'gasping', 'grunting', 'screaming', 'groaning', it's not easy to have a dirty mind and a deaf boyfriend. Anyway, Tony would stop paying attention to the movie and start comparing the description to the sounds, judging the quality of the translation, while Loki's eyes were fixed on the screen and there was no chance of getting naughty. Loki couldn't turn away even for a moment. To avoid the temptation, Tony would turn off the sound, to be in the same position as Loki. Damn, that sucked. He felt he missed like half of the movie when it was muted.

Bruce gave Tony a meaningful look, wordlessly stating that Loki was indeed overly attached and had no boundaries. Tony sighed, ugh, people, dealing with people.

'Loki, I've told you I'm going out. I'm not gonna watch that stupid movie again.'

Loki increased the amount of innocence and sweetness in his shy smile, a little manipulator, then used the ultimate weapon, the argument _I'm your deaf boyfriend_. It meant: _do everything I want because we're a couple and I am deaf_. Loki thought it always made Tony laugh because the text was so freaking hilarious. The truth was Tony was amused by the sign 'boy', joining the index, middle and ring finger with the thumb, which looks awfully a lot like a sign for a duck. Tony would imagine Loki calling himself Tony's duck friend.

Now, however, he was getting pissed and the duck boyfriend argument didn't help. Bruce didn't say anything, he didn't have to, Loki proved his point.

Loki pointed with his both index fingers away from him, then joined his clenched fists and pointed at Tony. _Go with you_. Ugh. Of course he wanted that.

'But I'll be busy, you know, talking to, umm, hearing people. You'll get bored. Stop making that face. Dammit. Fine.'

Loki clapped his hands, pleased to have his way. That little shit.

 

It was worse than expected. Loki apparently thought that Tony would play the interpreter the whole night. They were in a rather dark club, Loki had troubles with lip-reading, Tony couldn't decipher his signs, plus they were sitting next to each other, so it was not comfortable to turn every two seconds to check Loki's expression. Moreover, Pepper, Steve or Bruce didn't feel the need to speak slowly and clearly, like Tony did, making it all more difficult for Loki to lip-read. Soon he gave up and just stared at his beer, sulking, trying to make Tony feel guilty.

Tony did not feel guilty. It was such a relief to talk to normal, hearing people. So much freaking easier. No need to keep eye contact the whole time. He could still be understood when he looked away. No one asked him to repeat what he said five hundred times. It was so simple, so natural, a casual, normal conversation. With Loki, it was like talking to a foreigner, every single word was a challenge. Stupid signs always so confusing and when he was too slow to get what Loki was saying, he was smacked and Loki's fist would touch his forehead. A rather clear sign, _stupid_. Ugh.

Tony didn't notice when Loki left. He was distracted by an unexpected praise from Pepper, she was surprised to see how much Tony changed, staying in a monogamous relationship and how she never thought Tony would admit loving someone. Tony laughed because suddenly he was tongue-tied, it wasn't often that he heard such words. He moved his hand to cup Loki's knee and the idiot wasn't there.

'Loki?'

He looked around, it was hopeless, in that crowd he would never find him. Fucking attention whore, he was pouting the whole time and when it didn't work on Tony, just fucking got up and left without a word.

'Well, now that he's gone, let me tell you something,' Steve put away his beer and wiped his mouth. Tony sighed heavily, he knew what was coming. 'I don't like him.'

'Neither do I,' Pepper joined and Bruce gave a nod. Mmm, support and understanding, how good it is to have friends.

'Well, I do, so let's not-'

'I think he's trying to separate you from us. Even now he tried to steal your attention from us and when he didn't succeed, he disappeared.'

'So you would follow him and apologise.'

'He's strange.'

'He's deaf, you mean that kind of strange?' Tony, still pissed at Loki, felt suddenly so very protective of him.

'If you ask me,' Bruce started, 'I think he's using you. He practically lives in our apartment, conveniently avoiding not only his family but also paying the rent. You said you watch his back when he's playing a photographer. He can only focus on those leaves or graves and you keep him safe. He seems to have dragged you into his life without bothering to get to know yours. Not to mention the fact that you're his servant, you bring him coffee and food and he just gladly accepts that.'

'That's not true,' Tony replied quickly, before he could think about it.

'He's treating you like an object. Do you know how we call a person that treats people like objects?'

Damn. Bruce had to be wrong. He didn't understand Loki, he didn't know Loki the way Tony did. The adoption, Fandral, the first love, conflicts with Odin, Tony wouldn't say that out loud but in his opinion Loki had the right to start acting out.

'Like now, he knew none of us is deaf and yet he thought you'd be at his service the whole time.'

'So are you gonna go after him?'

No, Tony thought, no fucking way. He was mad at Loki for ruining the night. He was mad at Bruce, Steve and Pepper for pitying him. Fucking people. Tony gulped down his beer, then finished Loki's. All of a sudden, it dawned on Tony that he let Loki wind him around his little finger. How did that happen? Damned Bruce was right. Tony remembered why he ran away when he discovered Loki's disability. He didn't want the trouble, taking care of a disabled partner, helping Loki in everyday situations and somehow it actually happened. He became Loki's caregiver. How? Why?

He would not start searching for Loki. That fucking fuck was probably in his room, safe and sound. There was so reason to be anxious. No reason to worry. Loki wasn't wounded, wasn't hit by a car, Tony could stay with his friends and enjoy the company of the hearing. Everything was fine.

'I gotta go,' he surprised himself and before anyone could comment on that, he was already outside. Loki wasn't there, of course. Tony texted him, then Odin. Yes, Loki came home, in a very bad mood, did you boys break up?

So he was ok. Tony had no obligation to check up on him. He repeated that to himself on his way to Loki's house. That was crazy. Bruce was so right, the past weeks were all about Loki's interests, Loki's past, Loki's family issues.

Odin let him in, casually informing him that Loki cried. Well. Of course he fucking did. That's what little boys do when they discover that the world doesn't revolve around them. Loki must have though that he was the only person Tony cared about and it wasn't easy to accept the truth.

He opened the door to Loki's room and as expected, Loki was indeed weeping, hmm, even without an audience. Sitting at the desk, he was scribbling something down, how dramatic, tears dripping on the paper.

Tony came up to him and touched his arm. Loki twitched and glanced up at him, his eyes teary, his face flushed, he looked awful when he cried, red blotches on his cheeks, he was really, really ugly, and not at all adorable, Tony didn't feel sorry for him, absolutely not.

'What the hell was that? You just had to scare me? I told you I'd-'

Loki handed him the note he was working on and started writing another one, successfully ignoring Tony's speech. Well, call the press, what a fucking surprise.

_I knew it'd happen. You regret meeting me, I watched you with your friends, you seemed so relieved that you can communicate with them without any problem. You realised how much trouble I cause with my fucking signing, didn't you?_

Again, that his sixth sense. He read Tony like an open book. Before Tony could say something nasty, Loki gave him another note. The handwriting worse than usual, it's hard to write while crying one's eyes out.

_I thought I accepted being deaf-mute. I was sure I got over losing so much. But I can't stand the idea of losing you because of my disability. And you will leave me, sooner or later, right? For someone who can hear you._

Damn. It was totally going to happen and no one would be shocked. Literally, no one. They would all throw a fucking party and celebrate.

Loki kept sobbing and writing, ah, the good, old self-pity, he could have calmed down but that would be too easy, he loved his own pain. Getting himself worked up over nothing, that was his hobby.

Tony gripped his chin and made Loki face him. The idiot just kept writing. Wow. What a dedication.

'Stop it,' Tony hissed out, seriously tempted to use force. Loki was pushing all his buttons and had no intention of stopping.

The next message crushed him.

 _They say I'm not worse but it's not true. No one loves pathetic, needy, miserable people. Just like no one thinks that bald cancer patients look good. They look horrible. Or rape victims, they are not brave, they are just filthy and repulsive but we all like those beautiful lies. I'm fucking deaf and mute, and it's not going to change, and it's hard to look past it. I thought I was ok with it but then you came and it's all so unfair_.

Damn. That was it. Tony took away Loki's pen and threw it on the floor because the idiot wasn't going to stop that self-pity party. The stream of tears and sniffling were meant to soften Tony and make him promise to stay despite anything Loki was going to do. Crying is a very obvious secret weapon of manipulative people, oh, look, look how sad you made me, feel sorry for me. Tony was torn between the urge to yell at Loki and the need to hug him. He was still angry but a part of him understood Loki's fears. There's a reason why people are so surprised when a wife of a handicapped soldier stays with him, oh, she must really love him, he's such a burden and she sacrifices her youth to a cripple. People want a healthy partner that can take care of himself. As cruel as it sounds, it's a miracle when the disabled get married, who would want them?

He made Loki look at him and said firmly, 'Stop it now. I hate it when you cry and it's not working on me, you hear me?' Dang. 'You were so obnoxious today. I wouldn't break up with you because you're deaf, I might because of your awful personality. Look in the mirror, see how hideous you are now and-'

Loki did not take offence, he only wrapped his arms around Tony and held him close. Tony scoffed but gave up and returned the embrace, gently rocking Loki to soothe him. That was oddly pleasant, that idiot cared about him so much. After a while, when Loki finally relaxed and was about to fall asleep in Tony's arms, someone knocked on the door. Oh dear. Knocking on the door was so surprising in that house. A rare show of manners.

It was Odin, curious if Tony dumped his son already.

'No, not yet,' Tony replied sarcastically, softly patting Loki's back.

 


	17. Ło Jeżus, nowy rozdział

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some make-up sex and a mini heart attack.

Loki deeply regretted being a drama queen, so, so deeply. It's been a while since he last spread his legs for Tony and realised that it was not the smartest choice. His secret muscles forgot how to relax for Tony and the make-up sex was almost as painful as their first time.

'Just look at yourself, princess,' Tony smiled broadly when Loki slowly lowered himself on his cock. The look of absolute concentration on Loki's face was priceless and so were his amusingly careful movements. Lube doesn't always make things better, a well-slicked cock goes in smoother but also faster, all the way in and that can be painful. Bearing that in mind, Tony suggested that Loki ride him.

 _Just say you're lazy!_ Loki signed angrily, as if he weren't lazy at all. It's easier to just lie down and let the other person do the fucking, relax and wait for an orgasm. Tony smugly pointed out that Loki would control the pace and the depth of penetration. That was tempting. So now Loki extremely cautiously took Tony in and shuddered, eyes tightly shut, fingernails digging into Tony's shoulders.

'Yeah, take your time, cupcake, there's no rush,' Tony cooed, more to himself than to Loki. He learnt to ignore those moments when Loki wasn't looking at him and just kept talking, pretended that Loki could hear him. 'Wait, let your body adjust, don't hurt yourself.'

Loki let out the tiniest whimper when Tony's hands cupped his buttocks and squeezed. Biting his lower lip, he lifted his bottom and started to bounce in a peaceful rhythm, pain-pleasure painted on his face. He arched his back, threw his head back and clenched down on Tony.

'Just like that, you slut,' Tony muttered in appreciation, too absorbed in the pleasurable feeling to notice that Loki finally opened his eyes, darkened with arousal. 'Don't stop.'

Naturally, Loki stopped and lifted his hands and shoulders in a questioning manner, a clear sign that Tony knew already, _what?_

Turned out that Loki hadn't noticed before that Tony often called him his little slut when they had sex. Always so lost in overwhelming sensation to keep the eye contact, Loki decided that Tony's affectionate endearment was offensive.

'Oh, come on, you are my slutty slut,' Tony smirked at his moody lover and smacked his thigh. 'Now, back to work.'

Insulted, angry and- let's be honest- turned on, Loki mercilessly scratched Tony's chest and shoulders. Eh, that wasn't the worst sex injury in Tony's life. His _pure_ and very _decent_ deaf boyfriend forgave him eventually and kissed the abused flesh better.

 

A few days later they found themselves in a tiny, quiet café, enjoying a delightfully warm spring afternoon. Loki cut his slice of cheesecake into tiny pieces and ate them with his fingers, like a savage, while Tony unhurriedly sipped his coffee. It felt nice to act like a normal couple sometimes, he thought, and then the café was attacked by a screaming terrorist, disguised as a toddler. Tony frowned and almost hissed at the child and his exhausted parents but something else caught his eye.

Instead of being irritated by that obnoxious crying of a spoilt child, like a normal person should, Loki smiled kindly, his mouth full of cheesecake. There was something strange in his gaze, longing? He watched the poor parents, who bribed their hellish kid with a lollipop, without a single mean remark.

'Oh my God!' Tony exclaimed and slapped the table, not only to emphasise his astonishment but also to get Loki's attention. 'What was that? Do you- ah!- do you want to have a child?'

Loki blushed and moved his hands up and down in an alternating fashion, _maybe_. Tony clutched his chest, ready to collapse and die of shock. What the hell, why would someone as vain and self-centred as Loki want to become a parent? Plus, did that mean that Loki expected also marriage, a house in the suburbs, white curtains and a dog?

'Slow down, will you?' Tony chuckled awkwardly, terrified by a vision of a little bundle of anger that never wants to sleep.

Blood thicker than water, they say. People who have been adopted want to have biological children to experience that incredibly strong bond they couldn't have. Understandable but Loki as a father?

Loki continued to stuff his mouth with the diced cheesecake, looking miserable and hurt, and only slightly adorable. Child, family, what was he thinking, what if that hypothetical baby would be hearing? Loki could hardly take care of himself, he would totally drop the baby, neglect it and how can a deaf-mute be a good parent?

'Are you done, can we go?' Tony got up, hoping that going outside would be enough to distract Loki. Children! And what else?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated earlier, I got all the signs I needed- a Pole who has read The Legend of the Ice People (hej!), a real sign language learner and new subscribers, alas, I am lazy. This fic is not easy to write. Thanks for your patience.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The joys of fonduing with a deaf-mute.

That's it, Tony muttered to himself, having witnessed another emotional discussion in sign language between Loki and Frigga. No one bothered with explaining anything to him and he just stood there awkwardly, listening to, or more precisely, watching their argument. He had been planning to start a sign language course, yet Loki's behaviour made him wonder if there was a point in spending his money on learning an otherwise useless language. On the other hand, they had been fighting and somehow avoided breaking up, that had to mean something.

Most of Tony's new classmates had some hearing troubles, the rest was in a similar to his situation- someone close to them was deaf. Tony proudly admitted that he was not a total beginner and made a fool of himself when he misspelled one word and another student corrected him.

The teacher informed them that it is not rude to maintain eye contact while speaking to a deaf person, for obvious reasons and Tony giggled silently. He remembered how weird it was when Loki stared at him insistently, making him feel overly self-conscious. Was it just about body language and facial expression or was he shocked by the size of a poppy seed stuck between Tony's teeth? One may never know. The teacher also encouraged them to tap a deaf on their shoulder to get their attention. She strongly advised them against throwing something or yelling at deaf. Why, Tony did both things with Loki and it worked. So did a hard smack across Loki's buttock or pulling his hair. But yes, that's not how Tony  would approach a stranger.

It was a bit boring to start right from the beginning, learn the alphabet and some basic rules, yet Tony was determined to master that language. He was sick of feeling like a clueless idiot while Loki signed happily. They had to communicate easily if they wanted to stay together.

 

* * *

 

Having sex with Loki was a bit challenging. Tony had no intention of forcing him but at the same time, Loki could not always say clearly what he wanted and be understood straight away. Either his hands were, well, occupied or he signed too quickly, shaking. Way too often Tony stopped in the middle to ask for clarification. Was Loki only encouraging him to go deeper and faster or was he begging Tony to stop? It seemed wrong to pin Loki's hands to the bed or to shove his face in the pillow, he would not have a chance to protest. As a recompense, Tony would remind Loki not to speak with his mouth full. That joke never got old, although Loki never laughed.

 

One time Tony almost had a heart attack, terrified that he did hurt Loki in some horrible way. Everything was fine, Loki's legs on Tony's shoulders, deep, long thrust, crimson red cheeks and lip biting. Lust in Loki's half-lidded eyes or maybe the sight of his dark red rim stretched to its limits, Tony could not say what it was but he got carried away and bent Loki in half, tightly gripping pale thighs. He saw Loki's toes curl, good sign but then Loki winced, mouth opened in a silent cry, he squirmed under Tony, trying to push him away.

'What? What's wrong?' Tony pulled out but Loki barely noticed, which was kind of hurtful, and continued to thrash around in pain, his hands frantically squeezing an invisible ball, rather small. What did that mean? Any ball-related sex injuries? Could that be the sign for booty? Did Tony break Loki's booty?

Loki finally got off the bed and stood on one leg, breathing erratically, one hand pressed to his face. It took Tony a few moments to understand. A cramp. A freaking leg cramp. He laughed, relieved, and carefully massaged Loki's poor calf.  

'Eat some dark chocolate or lettuce,' he kindly advised. Loki was indeed hungry and Tony fed him enthusiastically, one slow thrust after another.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated and people unsubscribed. Girls, I'm doing my best, research sign language and stuff. This chap inspired by this vid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uysNei2bEw. I use two-three online dictionaries, my favourite is Signing Savvy. This reminds me of a book about an American in Bilbao and in one chapter the protagonist tries "a Basque meal", that was the only description, "Basque".
> 
> Two more chaps!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki needs cuddling. Tony is late and loses his voice.

Loki was having a hard time, his precious camera lens broke and it was supposed to take three weeks to repair the damage. Tony didn't know why he was surprised to see Loki break into tears at the news. Three full weeks! Tears of the deepest sadness were streaming down Loki's face as he signed something about flowers, Tony guessed that Loki's main concern was the withering of some kind of flowers Loki wanted to photograph. It took a lot of Tony's inner strength not to smirk or otherwise indicate he was sort of amused by Loki's exaggerating.

'There, there, Lokes, want some ice cream? Wil that make you feel better?' Tony offered, glad that Loki didn't hear the mocking tone of his voice.

Loki sniffed and wiped his face, then nodded eagerly. A big child, deaf, mute and unable to detect sarcasm. To stop him from continuing his silent complaining, Tony grabbed Loki's hand and squeezed reassuringly. Once again they avoided an argument, just because of Loki's disability. Tony had to admit that he was in a better situation than some of his friends, he didn't need to worry about sounding too mean or patronising. Loki could only read his facial expression and his lips. On one hand, that was an advantage of dating a deaf-mute, Tony could let off some steam without really hurting Loki's delicate feelings. On the other, that was another reminder of the enormous, unreachable wall separating them. 

 

Without the camera, Loki quickly lost interest in basically everything and would sit on the bed and stare into a wall, contemplating his misery. Tony suspected that Loki actually enjoyed the bitter taste of being so dispirited. A true artist has to suffer, right? Any suggestion of doing something more entertaining than nursing his apathy was instantly rejected, Loki would shrug and pout even more. 

'Hey,' Tony poked Loki's cheek with the tip of his index finger, repeatedly. Loki rolled his eyes and looked away, unamused by his boyfriend's obvious charm. 'Hey, you there. Hey, hey you. Don't ignore me, I'm being supportive, appreciate it. Always so ungrateful.' 

Loki then surprised him by wrapping his arms around Tony's neck, demanding cuddles. Usually, Tony would just give in and let Loki recharge his metaphorical batteries but he was getting late for his sign language classes. Moving slightly away from Loki, Tony pointed to himself, repeatedly pointed with his bent index finger downright and finally using his both index fingers, he pointed in front of himself, saying 'me need go'. Loki nodded and moved his right hand above the left one, telling Tony that he was busy as well. 

'Ok,' Tony agreed and touched his lips with the tips of his right hand and then used them to touch the left hand's fingertips, asking for a kiss. Loki didn't deny him that little pleasure, but didn't keep Tony longer than necessary.

 

Falsely assuming he had enough time to grab a coffee, Tony arrived at the school awfully late and on top of that, he didn't remember the number of his classroom. It changed uncomfortably often and he was too stressed out to remember the number. Feeling awkward, he knocked on the first door, a voice told him to come in. Tony opened the door, one quick glance and he knew it wasn't his class. Unless his classmates became children.

'Sorry,' he muttered but then he took a proper look at the teacher. A pale-faced, wide-eyed teacher, whose shocked expression seemed weirdly familiar. Longish dark hair, green eyes, slender figure, who would have thought, a Loki's look-alike, also an ASL user. 

The children watched them, excited to witness some drama. Nosy little brats, they giggled and pointed to their teacher and Tony, and gossiped happily, untroubled by their presence. Tony's heart beat so heavily in his chest that he couldn't hear anything else than his heartbeat. The man in front of him that resembled Loki was equally distressed and mouthed something Tony didn't comprehend. No explanation was necessary, Tony thought angrily, that guy was Loki and the voice he had heard earlier was Loki's voice. How much Tony had wanted to hear it! When it finally happened, it caused nothing but a burning heartache.

'Tony,' the voice said, quietly, pleadingly. Tony's brain failed to connect it with Loki, it was too strange to associate his mute boyfriend with a clear voice.

Tony shook his head, refusing to cope with what was happening and left without a word. He couldn't find any words, he realised, as if he switched places with Loki. Now he was the mute one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha ha! Donya strikes again!


	20. Chapter 20

The rest of the day was a blur. Tony didn't remember how he left school. In one moment he found himself miles away from it, not knowing how he got there. His mind froze, unable to process what had just happened. Loki's voice, so unreal, like a nightmare. Tony's phone kept ringing, that would be Loki, calling to explain the unexplainable. He only pretended to be deaf-mute, how was that even possible? Why would anyone do that? Or, perhaps, Loki was magically healed the night before and didn't have time to inform Tony.

Dealing with such an enormous lie was too exhausting and emotionally draining. Tony chose to have a drink first, then another. 

Bruce sensed something was wrong as soon as Tony crawled back home, terribly drunk. Of course, Loki was to blame, Bruce asked what did he do to Tony. As if it were so easy to explain. 

Tony woke before dawn, the room spinning around him. More missed calls from Loki and from Fandral. They both owed him an explanation, although now he could guess what had happened between them. Tony spent the rest of the night thinking what an idiot he was and what was wrong with Loki. To quiet his chaotic thoughts, he fixed himself another drink. 

First thing in the morning, he called Fandral to arrange a meeting. After that, he would decide what to do with Loki. His initial impulse was to gather all the things Loki had left in his apartment and burnt them, every item separately. Apart from giving Tony a feeling of a new beginning, that would be rather melodramatic and problematic if he decided to take Loki back.

 

Fandral looked triumphant when he spotted a wretched and distressed Tony. His story was strangely similar to Tony's- he met Loki, fell in love with him, then accidentally discovered Loki only pretended to be a poor, deaf-mute boy. Loki's family and friends also lied to Fandral, that might be a reason for his bitterness. He patiently waited for Tony to share his fate and repeat every mistake Fandral made with Loki.

'I can't believe it,' Tony groaned, overwhelmed by the situation. 

'I couldn't either,' Fandral admitted and shook his head. 'Fucking Loki, that little liar. Odin blames himself because he and Frigga had a deaf child and after a while adopted Loki, their healthy distant relative. They worried how living in such a family would affect Loki but Odin was supposed to be a link between the hearing and the deaf in his house. Loki was three or four when they told him he was adopted. As you can imagine, he freaked out, convinced he didn't belong with them. More or less subconsciously, he began to use sign language more often until it became his first language. He mimicked Frigga and Thor and pretended he didn't hear what Odin said to him and so on. He genuinely believed he was deaf-mute. They claim to have tried to help him and maybe they really did but Loki is so stubborn. Anyway, he quickly realised how many tricks he can pull, someone would joke about his signing and he would reply frostily, calling them fucking jerks. Sign language and deception became a part of his identity. He's perfectly composed and never gives you a reason to doubt his version of the truth. Such a good liar, it's almost enviable.'

Tony pressed hands to his face, struggling to digest the shocking revelation. That fucking explained a lot and at the same time inspired more questions. How could Loki pretend so well? Not a single sound, even during sex. What a dedication. And damn it, Loki had heard every awful thing Tony said behind his back. What the fuck was wrong with him? Was he just weird or mentally disturbed?

'Well, thanks for being honest with me, _now_ ,' Tony said, exasperated with Loki's, Fandral's and everyone else's lies. They must all be having a good laugh. What an idiot, that Tony, so gullible.

'He'll try to convince you that you two should be together,' Fandral warned. 'He'll cry and tell you how much you mean to him.'

'Yeah, I'll handle this.'

 

On his way back, Tony wondered how to put an end to Loki's evil game and prevent him from deceiving another man. Expose his lies on social media or creepily keep an eye and on him and intervene whenever he's on a date? Or behave like Fandral and have the last laugh?

Loki waited for him, tears dripping from his trembling chin. As soon as he noticed Tony, words of insincere apology spilt from his mouth. Tony watched him, amazed by how strange Loki sounded. His voice, hoarse with crying  and breaking every two words, didn't seem to match him at all. 

Tony moved past Loki to get tp the door, ignoring Loki altogether. Whatever he had to say wouldn't fix what was broken. Tony turned to face Loki and signed _fuck you_ , then carefully closed the door behind him, deaf to Loki's begging. So ironic.

Hours later, Bruce came home, having seen a miserable Loki sobbing on their doormat. Tony, already drunk to muffle the voice he had longed to hear but now hated, couldn't provide a satisfying explanation for the current state of events.

'At least you know for sure he's not good enough for you,' Bruce had meant that to be a consolation, surely. 'You can move on and find a real love, Loki's not stopping you anymore.'

He was right. That was the proper thing to focus on, a Loki-less future. Even if a part of Tony craved his company and urged him to let Loki back in. 

 

In the morning, Loki was still there, he slept on the doorstep, curled and cold to the touch. Tony took pity on him and allowed him to come in, only to have a warm drink and call a cab. Bruce glanced at them uneasily and although he was running late, he stayed, not trusting Tony's self-control.

Loki sipped his tea, snivelling. Tony kept the distance between them. He constantly reminded himself what made Loki so upset and whose fault that was. 

'I'm sorry,' Loki mumbled, eyes on his mug. 'I don't expect you to forgive me, my love.'

Just as Fandral predicted, more manipulation. Bruce took a step towards Tony to support him and show Loki who would never believe him.

'You have a serious problem,' Tony finally spoke to Loki, so unusually easy compared to signing. 'You need help, lots of it. Therapy, I mean. What do you for fun is sick and has to stop.'

Loki nodded obediently. 'You're absolutely right. I'm a bad person, I know it. I never thought I'd fall in love with you and then it was too late to tell the truth. I love you, Tony, could you... could we...?'

 _No_ should be the answer. A definite, strong _no_ and _leave and never return, you're insane_. But they had been together for a long time, Tony invested so much in that relationship, did so much for Loki. He didn't want to end up with a gaping hole in his heart and go through a rough break-up. Bruce looked at him insistently, waiting to hear the only acceptable reply. The longer Tony was silent, the more worried Bruce looked and the happier and more hopeful Loki appeared. People forgive much worse things, Tony reasoned with himself. Like a drunk driver killing your child. A lie is not as devastating or irreversible as death. Loki apologised and felt guilty.

'Tony?' Bruce took hold of his arm. 

Loki's eyes, still red from all those tears, now glistened with hope. Bruce was about to shake Tony by the shoulders. Tony looked at them both, not knowing what his answer was going to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't finished this earlier but around 18th chapter, I realised how fucking stupid this fic is. Yes, this is the ending and no, I will not continue this story. Thanks for reading and your patience.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Nancy Ajram's 'Ehsas jdid', a very, very fluffy music video. I got this idea ages ago, with different characters but Lokes and Stark fit it quite nicely.
> 
> Suggestions are most welcome. Thanks for reading and subscribing.


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